


Holes

by FullofCats



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Divergence - No Hydra Takeover, Gen, Grant Ward Redemption, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-11-28
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:03:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 22,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4980049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FullofCats/pseuds/FullofCats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU that takes place after the Well. </p><p>Instead of Ward going up to his room or telling Skye everything, he takes a long walk to clear his head. </p><p>When he finds himself back at the bus, where the Berserker staff is locked up, he decides that he can look at all the dark places at once.</p><p>Instead the staff shows him way more than he bargained for and truths about the man he thought saved him. </p><p> </p><p>This a Ward redemption story, you don't like them, don't read them.<br/>This story doesn't have a beta. Apologizes for errors. </p><p>I don't ship and the story isn't Skyeward, but they'll be a strong friendship between them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Missed Encounters

**Author's Note:**

> For the sake of story the Berserker Staff was taken into custody by the team. 
> 
> I wrote a good portion of this story over the summer but never revised it. I figured maybe I should just post it.
> 
> I have limited time and I'm kind of losing interest in AoS. This story won't be updated regularly but when I have some free time.

Before he could move, she put her hand on his. He liked how it felt on his skin. She looked into his eyes and gave him a half smile.

“Please,” she said. Her puppy dog eyes made things worse. “I’m not going to judge you.”

“Are you sure about that,” he asked, sipping his drink. He drank so much the last 10 years it no longer burned going down. “I’ve done things I’m not proud of.”

Skye laughed. She could light up the room when she did. “You don’t want to hear some of the things I did. Besides, you know Miles.”

She had absolutely no idea how bad it was. Miles’ betrayal was nothing. He knew he couldn’t tell her his assignment. He had only hoped to find out what saved Coulson and leave the team. Garrett would get him transferred out without a fuss. This was supposed to zero contact but it wasn’t working. He already liked Simmons, Fitz and Skye. She was such a breath of fresh air. They were reaching out to him but he hated himself a little more when he reached back.

“Come on, Ward. Just a little bit of what you saw. I won’t bite.”

He couldn’t even do a little bit. He reflected back on seeing Thomas in the well and the hatred he felt for what he had done. No, she couldn’t handle it. She would think he was a heartless cowardly monster who tried to drown little boys. Better to just finish up this assignment and be done.

But she didn’t lift her hand. He wanted to get close to her. Sometimes he wanted to have friends, but that was a weakness. The mission was more important. He had to save Garrett’s life. Garrett told him if they ever found out about him, they wouldn’t understand. 

“I can’t,” he admitted. “I just can’t. I’m—“ He paused for a long time. “I’m just not ready.” And he never would be. Soon he would learn the truth about Coulson and be gone from the team. Maybe once in a while they would see each other at the Hub or somewhere else. He wondered if he should tell Garrett that he was getting too close, but he didn’t want to show weakness. 

Just do the mission, get the info, and get out. 

She looked a little disappointed, but that was better than knowing the truth.

“I think I need some air,” he said. “And maybe a walk. Alone.”

She nodded and she pulled away her hand. She looked at him sympathetically. He almost wanted to stay and tell her everything. Instead he gulped down the rest of his drink. No burning. It never burned anymore. He got up and walked away. Making a straight beeline for the door. Glad that Fitz and Simmons had gone to their rooms and May was sharing a drink with Coulson at the opposite side of the bar.

He went outside into the cool air. He didn’t know which way to walk so he decided to go to where he knew the bus was parked. It was a good ten or so miles away but it would clear his head. He knew he could walk fifty in one go, so ten wasn’t such a big deal.

It wasn’t only Skye and getting close to the team that bothered him. 

He kept flashing back to the memory of the well. 

The staff had to be wrong.

It wasn’t the way he remembered. He remembered after pulling Thomas up but he didn’t remember Christian threatening to hurt him. After he pulled Thomas out, he remembered that his parents got told. They screamed at him too and his mother slapped him so hard across the face it stung. She ranted for an hour that his practical joke wasn’t funny and Thomas could have died. When his mother was around, Christian and he got all of her abuse. She always called him weak, lazy, stupid, and worthless, despite that he did exceptionally well in school. When she was gone, he and Thomas were at Christian’s mercy. Until he joined Christian to torment Thomas also. 

But that’s not what the memory showed him. He didn’t remember Christian threatening him.

He walked to calm himself down. He outwardly showed everyone he was better but inside he still felt the hatred the staff had brought up in him. He wasn’t about to deal with this for decades. Like Garrett taught him, he needed to make a compartment and shove it in.

The bus was parked in an airfield. He figured he could walk to the bus and back to the hotel before sunrise. His adrenaline was still pumping so he needed to calm down. When Garrett had trained him, he had walked a lot around his land, creating maps to the different empty cabins. This was just walking through the streets. He didn’t worry about muggings. Even thought no one knew he could kill a man in more than hundred different ways, his height often was a deterrent. 

He not only hated getting close to other people. He absolutely hated them getting close to him. He wished Skye had come to help him. Why didn’t she leave after his outburst in the medbay? 

He didn’t want to think about Skye. Or even Fitz and Simmons who were sweet kids. When he walked off what the staff did to him, he had to work things a little better. He came here to get closer to Coulson. He still would have saved Simmons or Fitz. He didn’t like when people died, but he had hoped saving the younger agents would mean something to Coulson. 

Even though Coulson said he trusted him, he was still standoffish. Not letting Ward in as a friend. May might be a better target. He worried she would figure out he was undercover but she might know what bought Coulson back. He wanted to try to get Coulson to talk because he knew Garrett was getting antsy and that if Ward didn’t finagle the info, the next step would be kidnapping him. He thought of the fear his team would have if anything happened to Coulson. The younger agents saw him as a father figure. He didn’t want to do that. But they needed to find out what bought Coulson back or Garrett would die. He couldn’t let that happened. He owed Garrett too much. 

He didn’t like hurting other people; he wanted to save Garrett. And he actually admired Coulson who gave his life to try to stop Loki. But the idea of losing his mentor who made him into a strong man and saved his from his family was too much. He would do anything to save him.

His thoughts went back to the memory. It didn’t make any sense to him.

He forgot a lot from his childhood. Remembering almost no good memories, but several of the bad ones. He remembered that Christian tormented him. He also remembered tormenting Thomas. Christian never got in trouble for hurting him, but Ward always got in trouble for hurting Thomas. 

He remembered the well. It was the first time he hurt Thomas but he thought he did it on his own. The staff had shown him something different. 

By the time he met Garrett, there had been nothing left in him but a monster, a vicious horrible monster that wanted to set the world on fire. Garrett had saved him. Undid the torment that Christian had done to him. Made him into someone who wasn’t weak and afraid all the time.

But the memory—

He didn’t remember Christian telling him to wait a little longer and then threatening to hurt him if he defied him. He didn’t remember the terror too, only that he hated himself for what he had done.

He always thought that bullying Thomas had been his own idea. He felt weirdly disconnected to that idea. Before the incident at the well, he spent time with Thomas. They watched TV together. He tolerated Thomas’s stuff animal parades. He remembered one time when Christian ripped the head off of one. Thomas had cried to his mother and Christian got in big trouble. After that Christian only picked on him and left Thomas alone. 

Did Christian use him torment Thomas, so his parents would never suspect it was really Christian had been the culprit. And in the end, it had been Ward who had come out the monster?

And were there more memories buried like this one?

He hadn’t realized how fast he walked. Because he saw the sign for the base where the bus was park. He checked his watch: 1am. There was a guard on duty who thankfully said nothing to Ward after he showed him his ID. On shared bases, no one talked to the SHIELD people and that suited him fine.

The bus sat next to other planes. Ward lowered the ramp and headed inside. He kept trying to talk himself out of doing it. But that stupid memory gnawed on him. Besides this wouldn’t affect the mission. It meant that Garrett had rescued him from an even worse hell than he imagined. He paused for a moment thinking about Garrett. He owed the man everything. He saved Ward’s life, Ward had to save his.

But he had to deal with this first. He had to know the truth. Were their more memories that were incorrect in his mind?

The stuff they had collected was in the labs. When the mini-vacation was over, they would take all the items to the fridge and this would be his only chance for vindication. That he hadn’t completely been a monster that decided to torment Thomas on his own. He had been forced too.

He looked at the chest that it had been locked in. it had a lock but Garrett gave Ward the code to open things meant for level 8 or above and wouldn’t be tracked back to anyone. 

It looked harmless: A three-piece staff with a pretty design. Ward knew he shouldn’t touch it. He remembered the anguish and the hatred it made him feel. Garrett said to never show weakness and he hated handing the stick over to May. Hated seeing her take it without suffering. He hated the feeling he had on the floor where Skye had to help him up because he couldn’t under his own power. It terrified him. That was why he couldn’t talk to her after. Being weak terrified him, but being close to Skye terrified him even more. That was what came out in the lab. Why he yelled at her. He wanted to stop feeling for her, stop feeling for any of them. He had to turn it off somehow but he never could completely. He still felt sympathy for the old dog he put down. 

But he remembered what Dr. Randolph said about the staff shining a light on all the dark places. Still he wanted to take it in his hands to weed out everything, so he would never be weak again.

When he grabbed the first piece, no vision came. He felt the surge of energy flow through him. That never bothered him. He grabbed the second piece and a memory came. 

But it wasn’t of Christian at all. It was him on the floor of a cabin. It was just a flash.

Curious, he put the two pieces together.

The memory came even stronger. He felt horrifically nauseous and used all his will to stop from vomiting. What the hell was he seeing?

He grabbed the third piece. He saw Buddy at his side, licking his hands until he yelled for the dog to go away. He couldn’t move as his stomach clenched in horrific spasms. He began to remember. Buddy had been trained to follow Garrett but it had taken some time to get to listen to Ward. Because he was so hungry, he had eaten these berries. They had been sweet so he assumed they weren’t poisonous. A few hours later, he was so ill he couldn’t move. He vomited everything in his gut and lay on the floor of a cabin that was missing half its roof, in agony as his stomach and entire digestive system revolted. Throwing up until his throat was raw and specs of blood were in his vomit. He thought he would die like that. 

What did this mean?

He had no choice.

He completed the staff.

And nothing he saw made any sense.


	2. Missing Agent

Skye would never tell anyone. After years of living mostly in a van, crashing on the couches of friends, using the Y to shower and then getting cramped quarters on the bus, the king size hotel bed was heavenly. She didn’t want to check out. She wanted to order everything from room service and scarf it down with a gallon of over sweetened coffee.

But she promised Fitz and Simmons they would have breakfast in the café downstairs before returning to the cramped bus. They had no new mission yet, but they had to drop items off at the Fridge. 

She looked at her bracelet. How could she been so stupid? Allowing Miles to betray her like that. She thought she could trust him. She would have done anything for him, for the cause, even betraying her team but it turned out Miles’ ideals was making money. 

She was beginning trusted her SHIELD team more. She already loved Fitz and Simmons. She respected Coulson. She hoped that May would warm up to her. At least Ward wasn’t angry with her anymore but the closest they were beginning to share seemed to have fizzled. Now he seemed embarrassed he even brought up his brother.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a knock on her door. She looked at the clock. It was only 7. She was meeting Fitz and Simmons at 8. She needed another hour in this giant bed. 

“Skye,” said May’s cold voice. “Open up.”

She could never read May’s emotions. Her tone was the same whether it was dire or only a mission.

Skye had fallen asleep in a t-shirt, so she tossed on her pants quickly and went to the door. May looked at her and then into the room.

“What?” she asked, a little defensively.

“Have you seen Ward?”

“Why? Do you think we got it on last night?”

May looked at her with annoyance but Skye also thought she saw concern in her normally emotionless face.

“Why? What’s happened?”

“I went to check up on him this morning,” she explained. “I was worried.”

Skye almost burst into laughter because May checking up on a grown man or anyone seemed unlike her. 

“He didn’t answer his door or his comm. I had them open the door. The bed was never slept in.”

“Maybe he made it.”

“The hotel said he didn’t use his keycard last night either. He never went to his room.”

Okay, now Skye got worried. He seemed his usually aloof self last night. 

“He could be hurt—or that staff could have had side effects. How do you feel?” Concerned filled her voice. She should have pressed harder last night. 

“I’m fine. A little pumped but that’s it. I’m sure Ward felt the same way.”

Skye shook her head. “It affected him worse than you.”

“When was the last time you saw him?”

“I asked him for a drink. He turned me down. Said he was going for a walk.”

May didn’t look happy. “I’m going to wake Coulson. I need to get back to the bus and see if I can pick up his comm.”

Skye lifted up her wrist. “I can help if I’m freed.”

May looked a little pissed. Skye didn’t know what she had done to elicit the response. May didn’t say why she was angry, instead she said. “Get dressed and be downstairs in 10 minutes.”

 

May was annoyed Skye used Ward’s disappearance as an excuse to get the bracelet off. The one thing she didn’t like about her and she wanted to like her is that Skye helped as long as there was something in it for her. She hadn’t learned yet what it was like to be a SHIELD agent. You were supposed to be selfless.

But May didn’t worry about Skye now. Her mind focused on Ward. When she grabbed the staff, she saw killing the child. The same image she had every time she woke up. She had no idea what he saw and why it caused him to fall apart. 

She only assumed Ward saw something he didn’t want to see. He was back to his stoic self later. She thought about inviting him into her room. It’s been a while since she’d been with someone and she almost felt like they bonded. 

She worried sometimes about Ward because she saw herself in him and she wanted to make sure the young man never experienced what she did. But she also knew that Ward had been a loner and his record indicated he was the go to guy for hard decisions regarding taking out a target. 

It was two-fold why she wanted to lure Ward. She didn’t want him too close to Coulson in case he had to take the shot. And she didn’t want to the younger agents to get close to him either, although it might be too late for that. They already adored Coulson. How would they feel about Ward if killed him? 

So far, Coulson didn’t seem affected by what happened to him. May was glad. She already suffered from bad memories; she didn’t want him to suffer either. Ironically he was much kinder than the Coulson she used to know. He would have taken out Amador and Peterson rather than helped them. After Skye betrayal, in the past Coulson would have never let her stay in SHIELD.

May tapped lightly on his door. Coulson answered already dressed wearing a dark blue suit.

“We may have a problem. Ward vanished sometime last night.”

“Vanished?”

“Skye saw him in the bar but he never went to his room. She said he was going for a walk. He’s not answering his comm. Phil, I’m a little worried.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. Ward can take care of himself.” He didn’t sound concerned but most of the time Coulson had kept the same demeanor. He almost always wore a poker face so no one could read him. 

May didn’t respond right away. Finally she said. “Ward’s reaction to the staff was different than me. It could cause problems. We should at least find him. Skye and I are going back to bus to located him.”

“Probably a good idea if we all go back. Let’s get that stupid staff locked away before it hurts anyone else.” 

 

“Do you think he’s okay?” Simmons asked, concern filled her voice. “He hasn’t been himself for the last few days.” 

May was driving with Coulson in the front seat. Skye, Simmons and Fitz were in the back.

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Coulson said, his voice didn’t sound worried.

Skye was worried. She had known Ward for a few months. He was a boy scout and not responding to his comm was unlike him. She worried the staff might have had a side effect they weren’t aware of. Even though, May seemed fine. Or maybe he got hurt in the fight and didn’t let on he was in pain.

“AC,” she said. “Maybe we should check hospitals too.”

“Do you think he could be hurt?” Simmons asked, her voice grew even more worried. “He wouldn’t let me check him over for injuries afterwards.”

“Maybe. Ward thinks he can’t admit he’s in pain to any of us.”

“I should have checked him afterwards for injuries. I should have been more forceful.” Skye heard guilt in her voice.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Fitz said and took her hand. Skye didn’t blame her. Ward had refused treatment when Simmons offered it. 

It didn’t take them long to get to where the bus was parked. May pulled up to where the guard was waiting. She flashed her badge at the guard. 

“We need to know if anyone from SHIELD come in since 10pm last night.”

“Sure,” he said. “About 1am, one of your agents checked in.” He hit a few keys on his computer. “Agent Ward?”

Skye felt some relief. It was close to 8am. Ward had only been missing for 7 hours. 

“Did he check out?” 

The guard shook his head.

Skye was confused. If Ward was on the bus, then why didn’t he respond to his comm?

Coulson saw the worried look on her face. “At least we have a narrow window. Maybe it isn’t Ward, maybe it’s the bus?”

Still Skye felt dread. They drove the SVU up the ramp. The cargo and docking bay looked fine. 

Skye got out of the car just as it stopped. She walked through the docking bay and headed up the stairs.

She saw him first. 

“What the hell?” May’s voice said behind her. Skye didn’t think. In the lounge area, Ward was lying crumbled on the ground, scrunched up almost in a ball on the floor with his back towards her.

“Ward!” she yelled. She rushed over to him. When she turned him over, the berserker staff rolled out of his hand. Skye ignored it for the moment. His nose gushed blood and his body had a twitch but he was still breathing. “Ward?” she said, her voice lower. 

His eyes flicked open but only slightly and he didn’t jump up like he had before, instead he said: “Everything’s wrong,” before his eyes shut again.

Skye hadn’t seen Simmons come in, but now she was leaning next to Ward. The others were behind her. She felt his wrist while looking at her watch. “It’s very rapid,” she said after 15 seconds. The panic had left and Simmons was in pure treatment mode.

“Let’s get him into the medbay,” Coulson said. Skye grabbed one arm while May got the other. They pulled him into a standing position but he felt like a sack of cement. They walked him to the medbay and plunked him down on the bed. 

“Help me remove his jacket and his shirt,” Simmons said, calmly. May and Skye pulled Ward up and May pulled the shirt over his head. Simmons started putting on various biometric sensors. One caused a trill alarm to go off. 

“What’s that?” Skye asked. She had grabbed some gauze and used it to clean off his nose. 

“He’s blood pressure is too high,” Simmons said, keeping her voice calm. “It’s probably caused the nose bleed.” She went to a cabinet and pulled out two vials and two hypodermic needles. She administrated them both. Coulson came in the room, while Fitz stood by the door looking disturbed. 

“What are you giving him?” Coulson asked. His voice also remained calm. 

“Something to bring his pressure down and to calm him. He needs an actual medical doctor to make sure the high blood pressure didn’t causes any organ damage.”

“May,” Coulson said. “Get us to the Fridge on the double. They have an infirmary and I want that goddamn staff under lock and key. Fitz, get some gloves and lock the staff back up.”

May or Fitz didn’t respond. She left the room quickly. 

Coulson moved closer. Skye could see he was mad.

“Skye,” he said. “I need you to contact Dr. Randolph and see if has disappeared yet. I need a few more answers.”

“But—“ she was worried about Ward. 

“He’ll be fine with Simmons. On your way.”


	3. Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of long chapter. This story wasn't really revised so this chapter is a little choppy.

Coulson found Skye waiting for him in the lounge area. The plane was already in the air and it was a few hours until they reached the Fridge.

“How is he?” she asked. She looked scared. 

“He’s still unconscious but he’s stable. What’s going on with Randolph?” 

“He’s still in Seville packing up some of his things. He’ll stay for a few days. We can coordinate meeting him when we get to the Fridge.”

“Good.”

“AC, don’t be so hard on him,” she pleaded. Strong enough that Coulson thought about letting the whole thing go but he couldn’t. What he did made no sense and Coulson needed answers. 

“This isn’t like him,” he explained. “He has a flawless record since he joined SHIELD. He’s not known to ever do anything stupid.”

“You’re not, gonna, like kick him out of SHIELD.” She held up her bracelet. “Cause I think what I did was a little bit worse.”

“No—I’ll give him a stern lecture, but I really want to know why he did it.” Coulson was a little mad, but he was worried too. This seemed very unlike Ward. 

“The staff made him see things,” she explained. Coulson smiled because Skye only cared about Ward’s welfare. “Maybe he wanted to see more.”

Coulson didn’t respond.

“AC, you know Ward would jump out of plane for any of us, but he’s not exactly Mr. Open.”

“Skye, did he mention anything when you last saw him?”

“I offered him a shoulder. He refused. Said he needed air. I think he saw something horrible from his past. Did you know his older brother used to bully him and his younger brother?”

Coulson said nothing. He didn’t tell Skye that it was worse than that. However it was in private and in Ward’s files for only higher ups to see. He also know Ward had had been sent to military school and he was problematic for a year before strengthening out, going to college, until he got accepted at operations when he was 20. Since then, he was known to never question orders. He was a little rough around the edges, refusing to take a partner, sticking with the same SO for 8 years. Ward’s shyness surprised Coulson considering how outgoing John Garrett was. He was surprised Garrett never brought the young man out of his shell. Skye seemed to be doing a better job.

Still he didn’t understand why Ward had done this. It was unlike him. To break open a secure container and touch an alien artifact that already had damaged him seemed insane.

“He asked to sit out this mission, I should have let him.”

“Don’t blame yourself, AC,” she said, touching his arm. “You thought Ward was strong enough to handle it.”

He had thought Ward was strong enough to handle it. Despite some of the personality issues, Ward had overcome a rough past, which was why Coulson didn’t pull him from the mission.

“I think he’s afraid to talk to us,” she said. 

“Ward? Afraid?” said a voice from behind them. Coulson saw it was Fitz. Fitz had put the staff back in the box before returning to the medbay. “He’s not afraid of anything.”

“Everyone is afraid of something,” Skye said. 

Fitz didn’t respond to that, instead he said: “He’s awake, sort of. He keeps mumbling about everything being wrong but he wouldn’t tell me what.”

“I’ll try talking to him.” Skye didn’t wait for a response. She walked towards the medbay. Coulson followed slowly. He stood at the door and watched Skye interact with him. Skye seemed to have a way with people. Fitz and Simmons immediately warmed up to her. Even Ward seemed to have defrosted a bit from her presence. The only one left was May but Coulson knew she took a long time to get comfortable with other people.

Ward was still lying on the bed. And if he was asleep, he was restless. He moved around a lot. 

Simmons sat next to him. She looked up to Skye and smiled.

Skye move to the bed next to him. 

“Ward?” she said. “Grant?”

He opened his eyes but only as slits. 

“It’s all wrong,” he said. “Everything is wrong.”

He moved to the side. 

“What’s wrong with him?” she asked Simmons.

Simmons rubbed the side of his head and tousled his hair, more like a child then an adult. “I gave him a sedative but I think he’s in shock. I don’t think the staff hurt him psychically, but mentally. His tests appear normal.”

Skye didn’t say anything.

“He hasn’t been angry or anything?” she asked.

“No— He just fades in and out and keeps saying what he saw was wrong. I don’t even know what that means.”

 

Ward didn’t regain full consciousness when they moved him to the Fridge’s infirmary and Skye was worried. Coulson had sent May and Fitz to retrieve Randolph while they stayed in a lounge at the Fridge. The bars and vaults everywhere disturbed Skye. She wondered if Coulson had been meaner both she and Miles would be sharing a cell here.

“I’m sure he’ll be fine,” Fitz said, as Skye paced the floor. She had gotten close to Fitz, Simmons and Coulson. Ward had been standoffish but he was slowly letting her in. Now she worried about him. Worried that what he saw had been too much. 

The doctor interrupted her. She was a tall woman whose name was Angelo. She smiled at her before she talked.

“I ran a battery of tests,” she explained. “He’s fine, physically. The high blood pressure and increased adrenaline did no lasting damage. All his vital signs are normal now except he has an increased heart rate and a slight elevated blood pressure but its not so high it’s dangerous. I’ll closely monitor him.”

“That’s a relief,” Simmons said. 

“Is he awake?” Skye asked.

“Not completely. He seems to be in a state of delirium. I don’t know anything about that staff and what kind of damage it could have done. When he does talk, he keeps repeating that everything is wrong. I don’t know what that means.”

“We have an expert coming,” Coulson explained. “One who knows a lot about the staff.”

“Good because short of getting a psychiatrist. I’m out of ideas.”

Skye hadn’t been in SHIELD long but she knew seeing a therapist might cause stigma. SHIELD was very much a brush yourself off and move on kind of organization. She also didn’t believe Ward would be uncomfortable with it. 

“Can we sit with him?” Skye asked.

“Yes. Come this way. She followed her to the infirmary that was down the hall. Skye noticed even the doors were secure as Dr. Angelo had to let them in with a keycard. 

Ward was lying on a bed. He had been changed into hospital scrubs. A soft and slightly fast beeping was in the background indicating his heart was beating. 

He was still restless, twitching a lot and moving from side to side.

“Ward?” she whispered. “Can you hear me?”

He opened his eyes, slightly and looked her. “It’s all wrong.”

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

“Everything that I saw. It didn’t happen that way.”

She reached out and smoothed his hair. “The staff probably did that to you.”

He didn’t respond, but he closed his eyes again. 

Skye grabbed a chair was nearby and sat. Simmons and Coulson stood by the door. Where Simmons looked concerned, Coulson had on his poker face.

Skye felt she owed it to Ward to stand by him. He was her SO, he saved both her, Simmons and Fitz and he forgave her what happened with Miles. He was there when she was in trouble; she planned to return the favor.

“Do either of you want some coffee?” Coulson asked.

“I would love a cup,” Skye said.

“Tea if they have it.”

Coulson vanished from the room.

“Skye?” said a voice just above a whisper. She turned to the bed. Ward was looking at her but his eyes were half open.

“Ward,” Skye said, but she kept her voice low. “We’re here.” She touched his hand and was glad he didn’t pull away. 

“Please don’t hate me,” he mumbled. 

Skye smiled. “I don’t hate you, I promise.”

“It’s all wrong,” he said. 

“What’s all wrong?” she asked. “Why do you keep saying that? What does it mean?”

“What I saw,” he tried to explained. “With the staff. It wasn’t right.”

“What did you see?” she asked, her voice concerned. “Was it your brother—Grant. You can tell me.”

But he didn’t say anything.

 

Randolph showed up a few hours later. May escorted him into the infirmary.

“Is this a prison?” he asked, when they got buzzed in. He had been in prison plenty of times over the last 1000 years; mostly due to his strong desire for women and wine.

“Yes,” she said, stoically. Randolph didn’t know much about May just that she was a natural when it came to holding the berserker staff. 

“Is he in any trouble?”

“No,” she explained. “We wanted to lock that staff up and Ward needed to see a doctor. We killed two birds with one stone.”

Randolph didn’t respond. 

Skye sat next to Ward in the infirmary. The young man’s eyes were close and every so often he would twitch. 

“I’m glad we caught you in time.”

“Me too,” He looked over Ward. “And he held the staff for several hours?”

“We don’t know how long,” Coulson explained. “He got to the bus around 1am and we found him seven hours later.”

“A human can’t hold the staff for that long,” he explained. “He’s lucky to be alive.” 

“Has this happened before?”

“Once before I broke the staff apart. I wanted to help someone remember.”

“Did they die?”

“Yes,” Randolph said, nonchalantly. He tried his best to emotionally detach himself from the incident, but still he felt a twitch of guilt. “They stole the staff and held on to it until all the horrific memories were uncovered.”

“And the staff killed them?” Coulson asked. 

Randolph shook his head. He didn’t say anything as he pushed back a painful memory. “The memories were too much, too horrific that he took their own life.”

Coulson looked concerned. “Should I worry about Ward?”

“Maybe.” 

Coulson looked uncomfortable. Randolph realize that while Coulson seemed concerned about his team, actually talking to them and making sure they were okay made him uncomfortable. 

Randolph walked over to the bed. Coulson followed. Skye looked up to Randolph when he approached the bed.

“He’s in and out of consciousness,” she explained. “He keeps saying what he saw was wrong.”

“Is that common?” Coulson asked. 

“Yes. Sometimes people gloss over the bad memories. And when the see how it actually happen, it hurts a lot. Is it possible I can talk to him alone and without the cameras on?”

Coulson was hesitant for a second. He looked at Skye but she didn’t seem bothered by the request. 

Randolph sensed Coulson’s hesitancy. “It’s just that sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger than friends and to talk to someone who understands. I held that staff for many years. I know what it can do.”

“Okay but no more than 20 minutes.”

Randolph nodded. He waited for Coulson and Skye to leave. Then when he heard a buzz of the camera switching off. He wanted it this way because he knew that the memories might be so bad he might not want his teammates to know. He shook Ward’s arm. “Agent Ward?” he said.

Ward opened his eyes slightly. Randolph smiled. “Are we awake?”

“Yes-- I’m-- What did the staff do to me?” he asked, his voice sounded weak and sleepy like it was a struggle to talk. 

“The staff is not meant to be held for that long,” he explained. “Not even an Asgardians is supposed to hold it for more than an hour or two. You aren’t supposed to look at all the dark places at once.”

“Had too—Only chance to see—“ he mumbled. “Why am I so tired?”

“It’s a side effect—especially for humans. Asgardians have a bit more adrenaline to work with. You burnt yourself out, essentially. Give yourself a few weeks to fully recover.”

Ward didn’t respond right away. Finally he said: “The memories? Is that how it happened?”

“Yes. That’s exactly how it happened. No sugarcoating. No filters. What you saw actually happened.”

“Everything I saw,” he said. His voice was a little stronger but still stained. “It isn’t how I remembered.”

“How was it different?”

Ward didn’t reply. 

“The camera is off. You are only talking to me but your friends are worried about you.”

He shook his head. “They wouldn’t understand.”

“Sometimes we have to have some faith and let them in.”

“I can’t,” he explained. “I was a coward—“

“Other Berserkers would call me a coward. Were you afraid? Is that what happened?”

Ward looked down. 

“I won’t tell them anything, I promise. There is nothing wrong with being afraid and there is nothing wrong with admitting you are.”

“I didn’t fight back.”

“How old were you?”

“The first time I was eleven. I didn’t fight back because I was scared.”

“You were a kid. Kids are expected to be afraid.”

Ward didn’t reply.

“But something you are afraid of now is letting people in.”

“It’s a weakness.”

Randolph was a bit surprised. “No—it’s not. You can get hurt of course. But that’s part of being human. One thing I love about humans is no matter the hurt, they always move on. Let your friends in. They may surprise you.”

Ward didn’t reply. He closed his eyes again and drifted off. Randolph looked over the young man who reminded him too much of himself when he decided which was more important: his duty or his love for Earth. He wasn’t a much a berserker and it looked like Agent Ward wasn’t really one either. 

He got up and left the room. 

Coulson and Skye were waiting outside. Coulson stood up.

“How is he?”

“He’ll be okay. He’s just going to be sleeping a lot for next few days or so. You might want to put him on light duty after that.”

Coulson didn’t reply.

“What about what he saw?” Skye asked.

“That’s up to him,” Randolph said, but looked back to Coulson. “Don’t be so hard on him. Sometimes our curiosity gets the better of us. Just remember the staff shines a light on dark places. Why don’t you give him a few days to think things through?”

Randolph couldn’t read Coulson but he thought he saw concern. 

Before Coulson could respond, May came into the room.

“Coulson, we just got new orders; there are some strange occurrences in Utah and we need to investigate.”

Coulson didn’t talk to May, instead he turned to Randolph. “We’ll drop you off on the way.”

“Okay.”

“Are we leaving Ward here?” May asked.

Skye stood up. “No—Please. I don’t want him waking up in a prison.”


	4. Lingering Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't see last night's episode but I read a synopsis. And I am now completely done with Agents of SHIELD. The show is now crossed its moral event horizon. Not just because Ward is a cartoon villain now, but they are wasting Brett's talents. Who puts a fan favorite as a prop to create a spin off for another character? Especially for a show which I know will fail. 
> 
> This story is finished but somewhat unedited. I will post the entire thing in the next week or so, then I have to walk away.

Skye didn’t want to go on the mission but Coulson insisted that despite Ward’s condition she still needed training including how to be part of a welcome wagon. She hadn’t wanted to leave him alone. 

But he was okay when she came back. He was actually awake sitting in a chair next to his bed looking at a tablet. She had left him a sandwich, a glass of milk, and potato chips and she was happy to see the plate was empty. One thing Skye noticed about Ward was he ate all the time. 

“Hey,” she said. “I hope you didn’t miss us.”

He still looked tired. She imagined the struggle getting from the bed to the chair and to the bathroom with no one here. He had turned beet red in the morning when she offered her assistance.

He shook his head. “I could kill for a shower.”

“The doctor at the fridge said to wait three days. Unless you want one of us to stand outside the shower.”

“I’m used to showering every day. It’s a luxury.”

Skye thought the comment was strange. “Luxury? You sound like me. When I lived in a van, I relied on friends, the Y and truck stops to take a shower. Sometimes I could get pretty stinky. I bet you were one of those typical teenage boys who didn’t realize girls like boys who shower.”

For some reason he looked uncomfortable when what she said.

“Sorry,” she said. “I bet your brother didn’t make the teenage years that good—The shoulder still there, you know. I haven’t revoked my invite.”

“Not yet—“ he said. 

“Not even a hint about what you saw and why you thought it was wrong?”

He didn’t reply. “Coulson sent me some intel about Hannah. What were your first impressions?”

Skye shook her head. “Don’t change the subject. It’s not work time either. It’s rest time.”

“I don’t like to rest. I want to get back to work,” but he closed his eyes and looked a little disoriented.

“Ward?”

“It’s nothing,” he snapped. “I’m fine.”

“Come on,” she said. “I know you’re not really a robot. You’re human. We get hurt, we get injured. I don’t think you any less of you, if you hang out in bed for a few days and watch stupid movies.”

For some reason she could see it did bother him. He seemed embarrassed about everything that happened in the last few days and being vulnerable now.

“Not yet,” he finally said. “I’m not ready, yet. Go help Coulson.”

 

He couldn’t move. Even a small attempt would bring the cramps back. He knew he needed water. His mouth was dry and tasted like those berries that he as sure would kill him.

He hated John Garrett right now. Hated him more than Christian. 

He hated himself too for taking up Garrett’s offer. He didn’t think hard work meant nearly dying. His mother had been right; he was stupid and weak. Couldn’t stand up to Christian, and allowed himself to be fooled by Garrett. 

Buddy at least stopped comforting him. Not that he minded now but he couldn’t move. 

But he knew he had to get water. He tried to push himself over, just to the bush and away from the rotten smell of his own vomit. He had dragged himself out of the cabin in the morning made it about 300 feet before he began to shake and the world went blurry. When he next opened his eyes, it was afternoon. 

The lake wasn’t far. He had tried to figure out how to capture fish with his hands but they were too fast and the ones he did manage to touch slipped through his fingers. 

Buddy moved when he did but he didn’t come close. At least the stupid dog was finally listening to him. The dog found his own food but didn’t bring any back for him. Not that it he could keep anything down.

He got about three feet slithering along like a snake when his stomach rebelled again. Bile along with blood came up his throat and out of his mouth. That was the only thing left in his stomach.

He was hot too. Burning up from fever from the poisoning.

He felt dejected. He felt worthless, weak, and stupid. He was just like his family thought he was. His body seized up, and that blurriness came again. 

 

He woke gasping. Sweat covered his body. The room was dark but the dim emergency lights were on. That wasn’t the first thing on his mind. The dream had been so vivid, he rush to his bathroom and vomited before he realized he didn’t actually eat poison berries. He moved to the sink and splashed some cold water in his face.

Why didn’t remember the berry incident being as bad? He didn’t remember the agony of those stomach cramps and the three seizures he had. He knew that he experimented trying to figure out which berries were poisonous and which weren’t and that he had gotten sick. Somehow he forgot how sick he was. He used to think they he was lying unable to move for a few hours before he felt well enough to get some water to drink. But it hadn’t been a few hours, it had been more than a day. By the time he got to the stream where the water was, he was severely dehydrated. So much that when he drank too fast, he threw up again. He pretty much spent about three days lying by the water and it took more than a week before he fully recovered. He remembered that he lost so much weight he could see his ribs. When he told Garrett about the incident later on, he was praised about how fast he learned to survive.

He left his thoughts for a moment about the berries when realized something was wrong with the bus. The emergency lights were on, they weren’t moving, and the air wasn’t on. The room was hot and stuffy.

He made his way back to his bed. The emergency lights leading the way. The cabins were tiny so it was easy to find his bed in the dark. The rooms had a tiny closet and a half bathroom. The showers were downstairs near the labs.

He stuffed his communicator in his ear. “It’s Ward, what’s going on?” 

When there was no response, he switched the a radio.

“Ward,” he heard Skye’s voice. “Are you all right?”

“I’m fine,” he said. He wasn’t really. He still felt fatigued from the staff and now he had added bonus of still feeling nauseous from his vision. “What’s going on?”

“We lost power. May made an emergency landing. The woman, she’s not the problem. There is an intruder following her. We think it’s a person stuck between dimensions.”

“You should stay in your room,” Coulson said. There was no way that was going to happen. Tired as he was, he wasn’t about to sleep through this.

“Just tell me where you need me?”

“Can you find Fitz and Simmons?” Coulson asked. “They are in the lower deck.” 

It was an easy order but at least Coulson didn’t treat him like some invalid. 

Ward nabbed a flashlight from his closet before he slid open his door. The living quarter’s deck of the bus was creepy in the dark. His other memory shot up. He remembered the beautiful starry nights in the wilderness but now he remembered the nights where it was overcast and there was no moon leaving him in an inky darkness. That first time, alone, hadn’t been as fun. He held Buddy close but every sound, snap, terrified him. Why hadn’t he remembered that? He didn’t have a flashlight and hadn’t even known yet how to start a fire. He almost laughed. He set the house on fire but he couldn’t build one.

Had he set the house on fire?

That had been a blur. He vaguely remembered getting a call. Was it Thomas or Christian? He didn’t remember. The drive even though it took about 24 hours was a fog. He remembered the police found him in the bushes near the house and took him to juvie where they arrested him for arson but he felt disoriented for a while and he didn’t remember why. He also had a bruise on his face and a lump on his head he didn’t remember how he got it.

Ward made his way downstairs to the lower deck of the plane. It was even darker here and he was surprised his heart started beating a little faster. He took a deep breath. Nothing scared him anymore especially something stupid like the dark but nothing had made sense to him since he touched the staff. He saw things about Christian and Garrett that weren’t like he remembered. 

He saw Simmons at the end of the corridor. Her face lit up when she saw him. He hated taking advantage of her. He hated playing with her feelings. And he hated that he was weak. The jumping out of the plane and protecting her from other alien objects. He didn’t have to do it. He wasn’t here to gain Simmons trust, yet he felt this desire to look after her and Fitz. He had to fight that. Don’t get attached. Do the mission, get the info, get out.

Yet, the last few days, he couldn’t. The things he was seeing. The memories. They didn’t make any sense. He didn’t remember Christian bullying him, being very sick from eating berries, or being terrified of darkness.

There was a gnawing feeling his stomach. He tried to push it down. It wasn’t like he was really Hydra. John just needed them and SHIELD to live. Ward owed Garrett for saving him.

Finish this mission, get out. He’ll get transferred. They’ll never know. He’ll never hurt them.

But the berries. Garrett had taken him to the woods and left him there. Didn’t tell him what to do or give him any advice on how to survive. Those berries could have killed him.

Ward got to the door. He saw that it had been jammed shut.

“Are you okay to do it?” Simmons asked, gently.

She was right. The staff had robbed him of his strength. He found that when he yanked the broken door, it wouldn’t open.

He looked at Simmons. He hated her seeing him weak.

“It’s okay,” she said. She put her hand over his and both of them yanked the door hard.

Fitz stood right in front of the door when the opened it. 

“Thanks,” he said. Simmons went into to hug him. 

Simmons smiled and turned around. “Thank Ward.”

Before he could say anything, there was some kind of wind and he felt himself shoved forward and then felt something hit him hard in the back of the head before everything went black.

 

“Sir,” Simmons said into Ward’s radio.

“Simmons, are you okay?”  
“Fitz was locked in a closet and well now we’re all trapped in it.”

She almost laughed, but Coulson didn’t.

“Is everyone okay,” he asked. 

“That entity came by and hit Ward on the head. I think with a wrench.”

“A what?”

“Is he okay?” Skye’s voice said.

Simmons looked down to her lap where she rested Ward’s head. She didn’t have an older brother but if she did, she would him to be like Ward.

“He’s fine. Just a little knock on the head.”

But she spoke too soon. Ward started coughing but he didn’t regain consciousness. The coughing got very violent like he was choking and struggling to breath.

“What’s going on?” Fitz asked. He didn’t move from his spot. Not that there was much room to move.

Simmons felt concerned as Ward’s head moved violently in her lap. Ward’s color looked fine but the heavy coughing disturbed her.

“Get away from me!” he suddenly screamed. He rolled off of Simmons’ lap and almost into Fitz who darted out of the way. “I want to go home. Let me leave!”

Ward coughed hard again. He wrapped himself up on a ball. Fitz looked at Simmons with worry. 

“Sir—I think we have a problem.”

“What’s going on?”

“It’s Ward, sir. I think he’s having another episode from the staff. I think he’s hallucinating.”

Coulson didn’t respond for moment before he said. “Does he need medical assistance?”

Simmons got up and touched Ward’s neck to get a pulse. He flinched hard and pulled away. “I said to leave me alone.”

“I don’t think so, sir. But he’s acting strangely.”

“Different than before?”

“Yes. I don’t think he’s just seeing memories, I think he’s living them.”

Silence again for a moment. “Okay, sit tight. And keep an eye on him. Skye figured a way out. We’ll help Hannah and regroup and get the three of you out. Let me know if Ward’s condition worsens.”

“Okay, sir.”

“What do we do?” Fitz asked. 

Simmons wasn’t sure. Until Ward touched the staff, she had always seen him well put together. 

She walked over to him. He was still curled in a ball. 

“Ward?” she asked.

“I’m sorry,” he said but he didn’t open his eyes. “I’m so sorry. Just don’t leave.” He started coughing violently again then he started shaking. It took a moment to realize that he was shivering. Simmons didn’t know why. The closet was actually stuffy. “Please don’t leave me.”

She touched his shoulder. “We won’t leave. Don’t worry.”


	5. A Secret

SHIELD agents came with a quinjet and took Hannah home. Another Quinjet gave them a temp power boost and they should expect to be grounded for two weeks while repairs were done on the bus. Coulson told them it wasn’t a holiday and Ward was the only one excused from his regular duties, except that Skye relied on Ward for half of her duties. The other half was studying the SHIELD manual most of which read like stereo instructions. 

She figured she could kill two birds with one stone. Read while watching over Ward who still hadn’t woke up since he was attacked last night. 

He was sleeping, thankfully soundly in his bed. He wasn’t coughing, shivering, or shouting at someone who wasn’t there but she still worried about him. No one seemed to understand what caused the coughing. Simmons had checked him out and found that he had no signs of inflammation from a cold or allergy but he coughed like his lungs were filed with water. He shivered like he was freezing but his body temperature was normal. 

He probably wouldn’t like her to be here watching him, but she decided to be stubborn. She wanted him to understand his team was here for him.

They were at an unnamed SHIELD base probably in California. Repair crews had been coming and going all morning and Ward had slept through jackhammering and drills. That worried her because she didn’t see Ward as someone who slept through a pin dropping.

She smiled when he opened his eyes and did not seemed startled to see her but there was something in his face that looked pained.

“Hey,” she said, softly. 

He didn’t say anything, He pulled himself up but stayed in the bed. “What happened?”

“It’s a long story but the intruder is gone, Hannah is safe and the bus is being repaired. I’m sure Coulson will send you the entire briefing. He hit you with a wrench and after you started hallucinating.”

“Oh,” he said. “I didn’t hurt anyone?”

Skye shook her head. “But you did scare Fitz and Simmons a little.”

“I didn’t mean too.”

“Ward, I won’t ever rescind my offer. You can talk to me. Your brother was more than just a bully, right?” She pleaded as much as possible, hoping that it would give him an incentive to talk. 

“I’m sorry, Skye— I appreciate it but I’m just not ready.”

“Come on, Ward, quit being a macho man. If your brother hurt you, it’s okay to talk about it. I wouldn’t ever think you are weak.” 

Ward looked startled. She didn’t know what she said that set that off. Usually he kept a poker face. He rarely smiled, laughed, or got angry. 

“How bad was it?”

“Bad,” he admitted. “And I’m not exactly an innocent.”

“No one is. I won’t judge you.” She had done some bad stuff as well growing up. She sometimes shoplifted, sometimes stole from her foster families. “What did he do to you? Simmons said you started coughing violently like your lungs were filled with water. Did he try to drown you?”

He looked startled again. “No, that had nothing to do with my brother—It was a training exercise gone bad.” 

Skye looked into Ward’s face. He could lie and she would never know but now she did. He was lying. 

“Training exercise. What happened?”

“Not yet. Please. I have to try to figure out what everything means first.”

She meant to press him, but there was something in his face that told her, nothing she said was going to make him talk. 

 

May finished up her workout when she saw Skye walking up to her. May expected some kind of selfish request. Maybe tell Coulson that after all she did on the last mission, she should have the bracelet off.

Skye had a grim face. May had issues with her, still did. Still wasn’t sure she was a good fit at SHIELD. She had no discipline, thought of herself before SHIELD, and was often irresponsible. 

“I know you don’t like me.”

“I never said that.”

One thing Skye did have that was perfect for SHIELD was manipulation. May saw how she acted with Fitz and Simmons. They listened to her and she could get them to do things they normally wouldn’t. She would make a good leader eventually if she shaped up.

“But you are the only one I can turn too. Fitz and Simmons can’t deal with it and Coulson is ignoring it.”

“What is it? Skye, we aren’t here to deal with your personal problems and Coulson will take off the bracelet when he is good and ready.”

“It’s not me,” she said, her voice was annoyed. “I think something is really wrong with Ward.”

May was surprised. This was the first time since she met Skye that she put someone else’s needs first.

“I think there is something wrong with him as well,” she admitted. Ever since the staff incident, Ward had not been completely there and seemed lost in his thoughts. She had hoped after a few days he would shake it off, but after what happened last night, she wondered if he needed more help.

“So why don’t you do something?”

“It’s not my place to do something, it’s his.”

“May. I think his brother did something terrible to him and I think he’s reliving those memories. Simmons said he acted like someone one who swallowed a lot of water. He said he relived a bad training exercise but his face. He was lying. I think we should help him. Doesn’t SHIELD owe something to their agents?”

May was surprised to see genuine concern in Skye’s face. 

“He’s strong, Skye. All specialists are. We go through rigorous training to make sure we can do what we need to do. He wouldn’t have been accepted into operations if they didn’t think he could handle it.”

“Like with you? Coulson told me that you changed after Bahrain.”

That annoyed her. Why did Coulson spill her story? To Skye of all people.

“I took a break after. The staff wasn’t traumatic, Skye and stirring up bad memories will disturb but not kill him. Listen to what Randolph said. Give Ward time to recuperate.”

“Please—“ she said. “Maybe you can talk to Coulson. I think this is different. He may need more than rest to recover.”

May could see more than concern in the girl’s face, she was frightened too. May didn’t say anything for a moment. Finally she said: “I’ll speak to Coulson, but it’s up to him to speak to Ward. However, you may just need to give need to give Ward time and maybe space too.”

 

Coulson was in his office overseeing the repair of the beacon when May came inside. She was never a big person about looking after the other agents. She always thought as SHIELD agents, they could deal with everything on their own. So she felt awkward talking to Coulson, but she also remembered how scared Skye looked. 

“I’m trying to get them to upgrade to something maybe made in 2005 rather than 1995.”

“Let’s talk for a few minutes,” she motioned her head at the work crew. “Away from this?”

Coulson looked her over. “Am I in trouble?”

She shook her head. Coulson followed her out. They stood outside his office. The hallway was quiet.

“You have to talk to Ward.”

“Randolph said to wait a little while before chewing him out.”

“I’m not talking about disciplining what he did, I’m talking about the visions he got from the staff. Skye is worried sick and Fitz and Simmons were terrified about what happened in that closet. Ward’s not himself, Phil and he might be in trouble.”

“He’ll be fine, May. Just give him a few days. He’s recovering and he probably doesn’t need Skye coddling him.”

“She’s not coddling, she’s terrified. And I think there is something wrong with him too.”

“What can I do?”

“You can try talking to him.”

“He’s not exactly open to it.

“Is it just a man thing or something? That guys can’t talk about their feelings.”

Coulson looked annoyed but May didn’t care. Coulson had a team now and he had to look after them. 

“It isn’t that.”

“Phil, don’t treat this as some alpha man stuff. Ward is on your team and you’re responsible for him. You need to find out what’s going on. That hallucination he had in the closet. Simmons thought he was drowning. He told Skye it was training accident gone badly. I looked in his records. He was never involved in a training accident let alone one that involved water. In fact he got high marks for swimming.”

“What if he doesn’t want to talk?”

“You’re the leader. Make him.”

 

Skye was happy to see Ward sitting on the couch, a sandwich next to him looking over a tablet. 

Simmons sat close by. She was also reading a tablet, but every once in a while she’d glance over at Ward. For a moment Skye thought she had a thing for him, but it wasn’t that. Simmons was looking him over with concern. She was worried about him. Worried he might have another attack.

“Study time?” Skye asked. She had her printed SHIELD manual since she couldn’t use a tablet. 

Simmons smiled and made room for her. 

“Ward, that better be a recreational book.”

“It’s the notes from the last mission.”

Skye moved over to him and swung the hand with the bracelet over his tablet until the SHIELD warning came up.

“Great,” he said, putting the tablet aside.

“All of us have to work but you,” she said. “Go enjoy yourself while I study the SHIELD manual. I’m pretty sure I’ll know how to build a stereo when I’m done.” She opened a page at random. “Undersecretary Alexander Pierce says SHIELD is here to keep the world safe from those inside or outside the planet and to make sure the people always feel secure.”

“Feeling secure is a big thing.”

“I like freedom,” Skye said.

“It’s possible to do both.”

Skye snorted. “Keeping dreaming that.”

“Ward?” Ward looked up to see Coulson. Coulson wasn’t wearing his poker face and he didn’t look angry. He looked almost tender. Not like someone about to give Ward a stern lecture.

“Yes, sir?”

“Are you up to having a little chat?”

Ward looked around, first to Skye who smiled, then to Simmons who did the same.

“Yes, sir.” He stood up. Skye watched them head to the cage. She didn’t envy Ward but she knew he would hold up okay.

She looked over to Simmons.

“I hope he isn’t too hard on him.”

Skye didn’t know what to say. She hoped that Coulson would be compassionate to Ward. Skye knew he made a mistake with the staff but sometimes you don’t need to lecture someone about it if they already knew they messed up.

 

Skye stay at the couch reading the SHIELD manual while Simmons went to do some work in the lab. She realized that Ward and Coulson had been talking for almost an hour when she heard the door of the cage open. Coulson walked straight to her and Ward was nowhere to be found.

“Ward?” she asked. 

Coulson looked a little startled. He know longer had the tender face on.“He’s fine. He got very tried during our chat and he fell asleep. I left him there.”

“Ward fell asleep during an interview?” Skye questioned. That was the weirdest thing she had ever heard. 

“Don’t worry about it. I need you to come to my office. I have a mission for you.”

Skye was confused. Not just about Ward falling asleep during a debrief but of Coulson’s sudden mission. She wondered if they were connected.

She didn’t say anything as she followed Coulson to his office. Luckily the workmen were already gone and the office was empty.

Coulson walked over to his desk and pulled something out of his drawer.

“Give me your hand with the bracelet,” he said. Skye put her hand out. Coulson waved something over the bracelet. There was a tone and it opened.

“I’m free?”

“Yes and Skye there are no third chances.”

“Not that I mind getting if off but why now?”

“You did a great job with Hannah and that you have started to learn to put people before yourself, especially with your concern for Ward. You felt strong enough to approach May. Besides I need your hacking expertise. You up to it?”

“Can’t wait,” she said. She still felt this was fishy. He had a meeting with Ward and now she’s free and being used for her abilities. Maybe Ward convinced Coulson to do this.

“What do you need?”

“First I need to you promise you won’t tell anyone about this assignment until I give you the okay. Not Fitz, Simmons, or Ward.”

“Ward is my SO. I don’t feel comfortable going behind his back.”

“You aren’t really— Just right now it will be our secret. I promise I’ll let the rest of the team know, but if my intel pans out wrong, I don’t want a lot of people to know.”

“And May? You didn’t mention her.”

“She’s going to help you incase your research takes you off base.”

She still felt uncomfortable. “But we’ll still eventually tell Fitz, Simmons, and Ward, right?”

“Yes. We will. Also Ward is completely off duty for two weeks. He can stay on the bus but he’s to stick to his quarters, the kitchen, and the lounge.”

“I know it’s all confidential, but was it bad. What Ward saw?”

“And please lay off of him about it. We talked. He’s not ready to talk about it to anyone else. Give him time as much as he needs.”

Coulson usually kept a poker face but it cracked a little when Skye looked at him. She knew what Ward told him was bad. 

But she decided he was right. Ward didn’t need people to push him now. She could wait.


	6. Out of Character

Simmons tried to make sure he didn’t notice she watched over him. Ward sat on the couch reading. For some reason he actually looked worse than before. Dark circles were under his eyes and he stared at this tablet was he wasn’t actually reading. He didn’t look up when Simmons took a seat next to him. 

Three days ago Skye and May had taken a Quinjet to the Hub for some reason; something about getting Skye new credentials. Coulson had announced that after Skye’s actions in the last mission, he had removed the bracelet. 

Simmons wanted to go to the Hub too but Coulson kept her here and asked her to keep an eye on Ward. He knew she wouldn’t say no. 

So far, other than the fact, he looked more tired, no more episodes occurred. Also she discovered he wasn’t reading mission logs but actual books. Although he actually looked like something was bother him. When Simmons had asked how he was, he told her he was fine but tired. 

Simmons looked up when she heard voices. Coming up from the cargo hold was Coulson and two other men. One of the men had brown hair and was slightly older than Coulson. Along side him was a younger man closer to Ward’s age: black, tall, and very handsome. Ward looked up from his tablet and saw the men. He put the tablet down so hard it fell to the floor. Both Simmons and he made eye contact when they both went to grab it. For a moment Simmons thought he looked startled until his face went blank again. 

“There’s that son of a gun,” the older man said, looking Ward over as the two strangers walked into the lounge with Coulson. “Kid, you look you’ve been hit by a truck.” Ward stood up. It was obvious the man knew hm. The man put his hand out, which Ward took reluctantly but the man shook it vigorously. “What’s a matter, kid, you look spooked.”

Ward shook his head. “Sorry, sir. It’s just been a long week. What brings you here?”

“I was in the neighborhood. I have some intel to share with Coulson. But mostly the grapevine said that you were injured. I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I’m fine. It’s nothing.” For some reason Ward sounded defensive.

“This Agent Jemma Simmons, our biochemist. This is Agent John Garrett and Antoine Triplett.”

“Call me Trip,” he said and smiled. Unlike the older man who’s smile look almost fake, Trip’s smile was warm and inviting. 

Simmons stood up and smiled. She shook Garrett’s hand and then Trip.

“Are you taking care of my boy?” Garrett asked addressing both Simmons and Coulson. “He’s not giving you any trouble?”

Simmons must have looked confused so Coulson explained.

“Agent Garrett used to be Ward’s SO,” Coulson explained.

“Oh,” Simmons said. She vaguely remembered Fitz telling her a little bit about Ward. That apparently he had been with the same SO for eight years. She didn’t understand his defensiveness. Surely staying with the same person for 8 years must have meant they were close.

“I miss this guy,” Garrett said, punching him slightly on the shoulder. Ward took it with good humor. Garrett’s face turned serious. “Are you sure you’re okay, kid? The bags under your eyes looked packed for a three week trip to Mexico.”

Ward shook his head. “I’m fine, sir, sorry. It’s the alien device. It sapped my energy but I’m already getting better.”

Coulson smiled. “Getting him to take it easy was a chore.”

Garrett smiled. “Well, the one thing Ward doesn’t have is weakness.”

Ward smiled but looked uncomfortable. “But I’m not a robot.”

“Yes,” Garrett said. “Sit, relax.”

“Actually sir. I’m going to retire for the evening.”

Garrett looked at his watch. “It’s 6pm.”

“Don’t tempt him,” Coulson said and smiled. “I couldn’t convince him to go on leave and I had to order him to take it easy.”

“Fair enough. We’ll be here overnight. We’ll grab breakfast, won’t we, Grant?”

Simmons registered that Ward looked spooked at the use of his first name but neither Ward nor Garrett said anything.

“Goodnight,” he said and he headed towards his quarters.

“Are you sure he’s alright?” Garrett asked. “He’s seems a little off to me.”

“He’s fine,” Coulson said. “He just got a big shock. In a week or so he’ll be good as new. So what brings you here?”

“Why don’t we go talk in your office?”

“Workmen are there. I’m sure we can talk about it in front of Agents Simmons and Triplett.”

Garrett looked at Simmons and smiled, then turned to Coulson. Simmons was glad that Coulson trusted her enough to listen.

“I think we might be chasing the same person.”

“Who would that be?” Coulson said and smirked.

“We don’t know. Whoever it is seems to know our every move, but I believe it has to do with Project Centipede and Ian Quinn who I believe you are also chasing.”

“I want to get these guys,” Trip said. 

“Whatever or whoever it is, three of my own got killed chasing Quinn. I think he’s the key to whoever is behind project Centipede. I thought maybe we could work together—Are you sure he’s all right?” 

“Ward?”

“Yea, he seems off.”

Coulson looked around. “You know Ward, he’s stoic; never wants to admit something is wrong.”

 

Fitz was glad Skye came back with May a few hours later. For the last hour, Garrett had regaled them with stories of both his past and Ward. He liked Ward and respected him and it was nice to find out things about his past.

“… So 2000 yards away, he makes this incredible shot. More than a mile away and I knew SHIELD found itself an asset.”

“Hi, we’re back,” Skye said as she approached the table which was covered with takeout sandwiches. She looked at Garrett and raised her eyebrows. “I didn’t know had company.”

Coulson looked at Skye. Fitz thought he winked at her.

“Skye, this is John Garrett. I used to work with him and he was Ward’s former SO. This is Skye, Ward is her SO.”

“Wow,” he said, getting up. He shook her hand. “He told me about you. Said you stumbled a bit but you have what it takes for SHIELD.”

Skye smiled but for some reason it looked fake to Fitz. He didn’t know why. Garrett was charming and Skye didn’t even know him.

“Join us,” he said. “This is Agent Antoine Triplett.”

Skye shook Trip’s hand as well but her smile was genuine.

“Skye, I got you a turkey sandwich. May I didn’t know what you like so I got you an Italian sub,” Fitz said.

“Thank you,” May said, but didn’t say if she wanted it. Instead she stood and didn’t join them. Skye took a seat next to Jemma.

“Where’s Ward?” she asked as she looked around.

“He’s resting,” Coulson explained. 

“Too much partying,” Garrett joked.

Skye laughed but to Fitz something was off about her. He knew May wasn’t very social, but her standing away from them unnerved him. 

“So I was just telling your friends about this amazing shot Ward did. Over a mile away.”

“That’s great,” Skye said. “He’s gracious and never tells people about this accomplishments. How did you two meet?”

“No meeting,” he explained. “He was assigned to me.”

“Why take a rookie?”

“I needed a specialist. Grant came highly recommended. You got to start somewhere.”

“But you would think he would be assigned to a lower agent.”

Now Fitz was sure that Coulson gave Skye a sharp look.

“I needed a sharpshooter and Ward is one of the best.”

Skye didn’t respond. 

“So Trip,” Simmons said and she smiled at him like a schoolgirl. “Seen any good movies lately?”

“I don’t know when was the last time I was in a theater.”

“We sometimes watch movies on the bus.”

“It is a sweet ride.”

Fitz felt jealous. Was Simmons flirting with Trip?

His thoughts were interrupted when he saw Ward but there was something in his face that Fitz didn’t like. He looked intense and angry.

He came over to them and pulled his gun out of his holster, then pointed it at Garrett.

“Ward, what the hell?” Skye called out. Fitz didn’t know why but she didn’t sound surprised. 

“What the hell did you do to me?” he asked Garrett.

Coulson, May, and Trip pulled their guns but Garrett didn’t.

“Ward, put the gun down!” Coulson said sternly. 

Ward didn’t respond to Coulson. His eyes were intently on Garrett.

“Grant,” Garrett said, calmly. He put his hands up. “I think that alien device messed with your mind.”

“You better believe it did,” he said, angrily. “I saw everything the way it happened. Should I tell them what you did to me? In the lake?”

“Lake?” he questioned. “Grant, please. Put the gun down. There was no lake.”

Fitz couldn’t believe what was going on. He sat perfectly still. He didn’t think Ward would harm him, but he was still scared. This reminded him of what happened in the closet except now Ward was wild eyed and armed.

“Maybe I should tell them everything,” he said. He kept the gun square on Garrett.

“Grant, we go back a long time. You’re being controlled.”

“Yes,” he said. “By—“ he didn’t get a change to finish. He collapsed to the ground. On his back was the purplish veins indicating that he had been hit with a night-night gun. May stood behind him, holding the gun. She put it to her side. 

“Oh my god,” Skye said, getting up. She rushed over to Ward. “Let’s get him to the med bay.”

“No—“ Coulson said. “Put him in the cage.”

Skye gave Coulson a look but Coulson’s expression didn’t change nor did he explain. 

“Trip, John, help me with him. Simmons, get a medical kit.”


	7. Secrets and Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter today

“I’m not pressing charges,” Garrett said. 

Simmons didn’t look at him. She had no idea what was going on. Ward seemed fine before but he just threatened Garrett. She would have liked to do a full medical check up on him in the medbay but Coulson insisted he be put in the cage. Simmons didn’t think Ward would hurt them; his target was his former SO. 

Coulson looked at him strangely. “He threatened you.”

“Yes, but it’s obvious it was that alien device.”

“Still, I have to report this. It’s obvious the device did more to him than I thought. We can’t trust him not to be dangerous. I’m sure SHIELD has someone who can help him. We have psychiatrists on staff.”

“No,” Garrett said, his voice sounded strained. “Please. He shouldn’t have the stigma of seeing a psychiatrist. It will ruin his career.”

Simmons thought seeing a psychiatrist would be a good thing. It was obvious that he was having issues with his past. He should have someone he could talk to. 

“I’m not worried about his career, I worried about him.”

“Look, Phil, let me talk to him first. He probably remembered something wrong. I’ll stay with him until he wakes up and we’ll talk it through. He’s a good kid. His life shouldn’t be ruin because an alien device made him temporarily crazy.”

Coulson didn’t say anything for a moment. “All right. I promise I won’t contact anyone in SHIELD until the morning and I’ll see what he says then. However, you shouldn’t be here. I don’t know what reaction he will have when he sees you. I’ll have Simmons give him a sedative and we can talk to him in the morning.”

Simmons didn’t want to drug Ward again. She wondered if Ward’s hostility to Garrett had something to do with his odd behavior and the coughing. Ward had mentioned something about a lake.

 

He didn’t want to do it. He liked the kid but if he was no longer in his control what other choice did he have?

He insisted to Coulson on bunking on the bus so he could see Ward first thing in the morning. He sent Trip to other housing in the base. He liked Trip but the kid was too much of a boy scout. He had hoped to kill him along with his nosy partner. 

It was late and it appeared that everyone was asleep. He walked quietly through the bus. He had to admit Coulson had a sweet ride. He just had to die for it.

He wasn’t sure what how to get the intel now that Ward would no longer be gathering it for him. He figured the best bet was to purpose to Coulson they work together. He wished that he could use Ward to get closer to Coulson. Make it seem like the clairvoyant did him in but he couldn’t risk Ward telling them everything that had happened. He had covered his tracks for the last 15 years destroying all evidence of Ward’s creditability but if he said anything someone might believe him.

He turned off the cameras first. He would fix them after he had done the deed. Afterwards he would make it look like an electronic hiccup. 

He carried various mixtures with him incase someone had appear to die of natural causes. 

The cage had a very dim light; he could barely make out the sleeping figure under a cover. A little pinprick and his problem would be solved.

He walked over to the bed and took the needle out. When he pulled the cover off, the lights went on. 

Lying in the bed wasn’t Grant Ward, but Phil Coulson holding a gun. 

“I wouldn’t if I were you,” he said.

“Phil, what are you doing? I came to check on Grant.”

Garrett felt a gun in the back of his neck. He had to think fast, a good story to cover up what had happened. Whoever was behind him, grabbed the hypodermic needle.

“Get that to the lab,” Coulson told whoever was behind him, “But I’m pretty sure it’s kills you without a trace.”

“Phil—“

“The other day Ward and I had a little chat about the past. It was very enlightened.”

“I don’t know what that kid said but you should know something about him Phil. All he does is lie and manipulate.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The good news is the next chapter is all Ward POV. The bad news is I'm about go away so I won't be posting until Monday.


	8. A Long Talk about the Past

He had absolutely no idea what to say to Coulson. Before he touched the staff, everything seemed so easy, but now he saw more of the truth.

Christian had forced him to hurt Thomas. It was never his idea. 

John Garrett had dumped him in the woods alone where he could have died. 

When he wanted to leave, Garrett tried to drown him. 

A few months after Garrett had come back, Ward had told him that he thought about going home and accepting what he had done. Garrett and he were fishing when he told him. He said he appreciated what Garrett did to him, but he had time to think. He needed to take responsibility for hurting Thomas and setting the house on fire. 

Garrett seemed agreeable but a moment later pushed Ward into the lake. He jumped in and held his head underwater until he lost consciousness. 

He woke up coughing and struggling to breath with Garrett looking over him with concern. He said he had fallen in and Garrett had saved him. He convinced him that going home was stupid. That no one cared about him and he would just end up in jail alone. It didn’t help that Ward soon got very sick from something in the water and Garrett nursed him back to health. Being kinder to him than his mother ever did who never looked after him if he was sick. It had always been the nanny. 

For the longest time, Ward didn’t remember that Garrett was the one who tried to drown him. He had eventually come to believe the lie that he fell in. 

“Ward?” Coulson asked. “I don’t want to lecture you about using the staff when you shouldn’t have. I thought we might have a friendly chat about what’s bothering you.”

He couldn’t say anything. Garrett had said never to trust anyone. He barely knew Coulson. He worried if he told Coulson the truth, he would hate him and call him a monster. The mission wasn’t personal but Coulson would take it that way. Garrett had told him so. Coulson was fair, but if he ever told him the truth, Coulson would lock both of them away forever. 

Ward looked down at the table. There was an uncomfortable silence for he didn’t know how long. 

“The team is worried about you. Skye and Simmons particularly.”

He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t look up either. They would hate him if they knew. Garrett always said. ‘You say anything about our relationship or Hydra they’ll hate you. I won’t ever.’

“Ward, can you look up?”

Ward managed to lift his head. He looked into Coulson’s eyes.

“Is it very bad?”

He hesitated for a long time. Garrett said that despite what he did to Thomas, despite burning down the house, he would never hate him, but he tried to kill him and then made Ward forget what he had done. Before the mission didn’t seem like a bad thing. Now he felt like it might hurt someone. All his team had done for him, since he touched the staff, was be concern about his welfare. They cared about him and he felt the same for them. 

“What if I told you I wouldn’t be mad? How bad can it be?”

“Very bad,” he finally choked out. So bad he knew Coulson wouldn’t be able to keep his promise.

“About your brothers?”

“Yes,” he said. Maybe he could let a little truth out. Maybe something to satisfy Coulson. “I hurt my brother Thomas.”

“Children can do stupid things,” Coulson said and he wasn’t mad. “Kids can be bullies and then grow up to be good people. I saw your records. You seemed to have straighten out.”

“What I didn’t remember that my older brother Christian hurting me until I did the same to Thomas.”

“Is that what the staff made you see?”

“Yes.”

“But there’s more, isn’t there? Someone tried to drown you. Was it your brother?”

Ward looked down again. It would have been so easy to lie and blame Christian. Coulson would understand him and Ward could finish his mission and save Garrett. Get the intel and get out. No harm done.

Except he didn’t want to anymore, but he was afraid of Coulson and Garrett. He was terrified of their anger and hatred. If Ward betrayed Garrett and that angered Coulson, he would be alone again. Garrett might have done horrible things to him, but he was the only one on his side. The only one who hadn’t thought he was a monster for what he had done to Thomas. He was the only one who believed him. 

But was Garrett really on his side? 

“Ward, who tried to drown you?”

He didn’t say anything for a long time again.

“It wasn’t your brother?”

He still couldn’t say it. 

“You won’t believe me,” was all he managed to croak out.

“Try me, Ward. You’ll be surprised. I prefer the truth from you rather than find out another way--” He paused. “Who hurt you?”

He thought of being left to survive by his wits and nearly being poisoned. He remembered Garrett holding his head under water and the panic that set in when he couldn’t breath. Could he trust Coulson? He didn’t know. Garrett always said to never trust anyone. 

“Ward—Please. Whoever it is, they can’t hurt you.”

That was a lie, but still Ward sputtered out: “John Garrett. It was John Garrett.”

Coulson looked confused. “Your former SO?”

Ward nodded. 

“When?” 

“We were fishing.”

Coulson looked even more confused. “Why did he do it?”

“Because I wanted to leave.”

“Leave where? When was this? How old were you?”

“When I was 16.”

Coulson looked even more confused. “Wait? What? I thought you met John Garrett when you got out of operations.”

Ward shook his head. “No, when I was 15, I set fire to my parent’s house. John Garrett broke me out of juvie and told me I was recruited to join SHIELD.”

Coulson shook his head. “We only take potential scientists that young. Operations is 18 and over, preferably after college or a military stint.”

“I never finished High School, I never went to college.”

“You speak six languages?”

“I learned Spanish when I was 13, I learned the rest in the woods from books and tapes John gave me.”

Coulson looked at him, confused. “The woods?”

“Garrett took me to a patch of land he owned in the middle of nowhere and left me there with his dog.”

Coulson no longer looked concerned. He actually looked at little angry. Ward felt startled.

He must have realized it, because he said. “I’m not mad at you. What the hell was John Garrett thinking? How long did he keep you out there? A few months?”

“Five years.”

Silence filled the room again until Coulson said. “What the hell? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

Ward paused for a long time. He could see Coulson’s anger rising. He didn’t know what to do. He felt like an idiot. Why didn’t he tell anyone? 

Coulson again must have realized his anger. He calmed down. “Ward, please. Tell me everything.” 

“Until I touched the staff, my memories were different. I thought Garrett saved me from my family, but he wasn’t any different.”

“Ward, I had no idea. I’ll talk to Fury about this. SHIELD shouldn’t have done something like this. It’s barbaric. Your records say you had some trouble in high school—but never this.”

Ward looked down. He didn’t know if he could say anything more. He could leave it here, but if Coulson went to Fury, it would all come out. Garrett always told him if he said anything they would never believe him. 

“Ward?” He couldn’t say anything. Coulson wasn’t mad now at him but he would be. He wouldn’t understand and think he was weak and stupid. He already felt weak and stupid because Garrett manipulated him. “There’s more, isn’t there?”

Nothing. What could he say or do that wouldn’t make the team hate him?

“And it’s doesn’t have to do with your past, am I right?”

Ward could barely nod.

“And it’s something that will upset me? That’s why you can’t say it.”

He wished he hadn’t said anything to begin with. Why was he so weak? He should have stuck to the mission. 

“Ward, look at me.” He looked up. Coulson didn’t look angry. “You know Garrett did something bad to you. And if he wanted you to something bad to me, let me know. Even if I’m angry, I won’t be as much if you tell me the whole truth.”

He took a deep breath. Could he take this risk? He wasn’t supposed to get close to the team, he wasn’t supposed to care about them, but he couldn’t help it. Garrett was right; he couldn’t fight that weakness. 

“Garrett is the person we’re chasing.”

There, it was out. Done. Whatever the consequences would just happen. There was nothing he could do to take it back.

Coulson didn’t say anything for a long time.

“He’s in charge of Centipede?” he finally said.

Ward nodded. 

“And you were placed on my team to stop us?” Coulson wasn’t mad at least.

Ward shook his head. “I have nothing to do with that. Garrett is dying. He needs to know how you came back to life. Project Centipede all boils down to keeping him alive. Until the staff showed me what really happened, all I wanted to do with save Garrett. When he came to me, I was so broken, so dead inside, I couldn’t resist him. But I didn’t remember that when he abandoned me in the woods, I nearly died and that when I wanted to leave, he tried to kill me.”

Coulson looked mad again. 

“Is that it?” he said.

One more thing. And if he said it, he risked everyone and himself. He liked his team, but any one of them could be Hydra. 

“Ward,” his tone was louder. “Is that it? Look, I don’t think you fully understand what Garrett did to you. He left you alone in the woods so he could control you. You don’t owe him anything.”

“Hydra,” he said, before he could think about it. “Hydra is inside SHIELD.”

“Hydra? You mean the organization that Carter and Cap destroyed?”

“Different people, same name.”

“And you and Garrett are part of Hydra.”

“Yes and no.”

Coulson was mad now. He didn’t hide it behind his poker face.

“What does that even mean?” He snapped. 

For a change Ward wasn’t upset at Coulson’s angry, he expected it. “John and I have no loyalties to Hydra or to SHIELD. All I cared about was keeping John alive and all he cared about is staying alive. He’ll use everything at his disposal to live.”

Wariness came over him, but for some reason he also felt relieved. Whatever happened now, it no longer mattered.

“Ward, look up.”

He did but his head started feeling heavy. 

“And you met Garrett 15 years ago?” 

“Yes.”

“And Hydra was in SHIELD then?”

“Yes.”

“I need more intel.”

“I will tell you everything but—“

“But what?”

“Do you believe me?”

Coulson looked at him oddly. 

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“Because no one ever has. I’m a spy. I lie for a living, but every time I try to tell the truth, I’m shut down.”

“I won’t shut you down. Tell me about Hydra?”

“Hydra has many heads. I can’t tell you what every head is doing. I can only tell you what I know. But Coulson, they could be anyone. Even people on our team—But I don’t think they are—I just don’t know who to trust. You could be Hydra for all I know.”

“Ward. I’m not Hydra. I promise and I believe you.” 

He felt relief at that statement. He took in a deep breath but still his eyes felt heavy now and then his vision blurred. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. He felt physically ill. It felt like all the blood had rushed to his head.

“Ward?”

He felt someone grab him by his shoulders before he fell. Coulson brought him into a standing position. 

He wasn’t standing long. Coulson helped into the cot. He felt sick to his stomach but didn’t vomit.

Coulson was surprisingly gently. He placed a pillow under Ward’s head and put a blanket over him. 

“What’s wrong with me?” he muttered.

“Nothing,” Coulson said. “It’s psychologically. You are breaking Garrett’s programming.”

Ward didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to think anymore. Garrett had done terrible things to him but not following him anymore left a void. SHIELD wouldn’t fill it either.

But his team could. Coulson believed him and didn’t hate him. That was all that mattered.

“When you wake up, you’ll tell me everything. Eventually we have to tell this to Fury but in the meantime we need to figure out a way to get Garrett.”

“My word against his—“

“I know. We’ll figure out something when you’re awake. When I tell Fury, there will probably be consequences for you, but I’ll make sure he completely understands what Garrett did and that you confessed on your own.” 

Ward was almost asleep now. But Coulson said one more thing before he drifted off. 

“We’ll make Garrett pay for what he did to you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even though I wasn't quite happy with how this story came out, I loved this chapter. Coulson is a leader. It means that you look after your team all of them, equally.


	9. Breaking the Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I'm in grad school and I just had to do a midterm on top of a quiz on top of Nanowrimo. 
> 
> But this is a nice long chapter and almost all Ward's POV.

“Are you going to tell us what’s going on?” Simmons asked, when May came into the room. Fitz stood next to her.

“First I need you to analysis this,” she said, handing the vial over to Simmons. She took it and moved it to her table. 

“She can analysis while you talk,” Fitz said. “What’s going on? I feel like the four of you are having a party that we weren’t invited too.”

May wasn’t sure what to say. The last three days had been almost more than she could handle. When Coulson told her about Ward, about Hydra, about Garrett, she couldn’t believe it. It sounded unreal. While May felt some anger toward Ward, she felt enraged at Garrett that she had to hit the punching bag repeatedly. Coulson told her to keep everything a low profile and to only tell Fitz and Simmons after they caught Garrett.

“I need your full attention for what I’m about to tell you.”

“It’s running the analysis,” Simmons said, turning around and walking over. “Fire away.”

May wasn’t the talking type. She wished Coulson had elected to talk to the scientists, but Coulson and Skye were dealing with Ward and seeing if Garrett’s specialist Triplett had also been brainwashed. Garrett was currently stewing in the cage. 

“John Garrett is the head of centipede,” she explained. “He calls himself the clairvoyant, but he’s been using his ranking of SHIELD to predict our movements. He’s not actually psychic.”

Both Fitz and Simmons looked at her in shock.

“And Ward?”

“Garrett had placed Ward with us to spy on Coulson to find out how he came back to life. Garrett is dying.”

“No—“ Fitz’s eyes got very wide. “Ward’s not evil— Garrett must have done something to him. Like an exploding eye or brainwashing.”

May didn’t respond.

“He’s right? Isn’t he?” Simmons asked. “Garrett did something to Ward.”

“When Ward was teenager, Garrett took him to the woods and isolated him until Ward was compliant to him. It’s a form of brainwashing. Garrett’s been controlling Ward ever since until the staff showed him some truths. The reason we didn’t tell you is we needed evidence other what Ward’s word and we needed to trap Garrett. That’s what Skye and I have been doing for the past few days.”

May wasn’t sure what to think. She didn’t know why Ward was still controlled by Garrett after so many years. She realized that Garrett was probably always in his life, always filling his head.

“So the syringe you just gave me—“

“The whole argument earlier was staged. If we didn’t catch Garrett, it would have been his word against Ward’s. Garrett is a high level decorative SHIELD agent. We needed some ammo before going after him. We caught Garrett trying to give the syringe to Ward. Except Ward wasn’t in the cage. We moved him back to his room.”

“Does Fury know?” Simmons asked.

“He does. And we are to keep this quiet as possible. There is more to Ward’s story than Garrett wanting to live. Hydra is still around and they are inside SHIELD.”

“What?” Fitz said.

“John Garrett works for Hydra and by extension Ward.”

Fitz shook his head. “No—it was under duress.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does,” Simmons said. “Garrett brainwashed Ward. He needs protection not scorn.”

“We’ll protect Ward from Garrett. There is a limit what we can do. Even if Ward was an unwilling participant, in SHIELD that doesn’t matter.”

Simmons eyes got wide. May had no idea had close they two of them had gotten to Ward.

“This is so unfair,” Fitz said.

“Life is unfair,” May said, thinking back on the time in Bahrain. 

There was a beeping sound indicating the chemical analysis had finished.

“G329,” Simmons said. “A SHIELD concoction that causes stroke and is untraceable after death. Garrett meant to murder Ward.”

 

“Ward, open up,” Skye’s voice said. He went to the door and opened it. They stared each other for a moment. He couldn’t tell from her face what she was thinking. He was sure she hated him.

“You owe me a talk,” she said. “But Coulson’s ready to interrogate Garrett and he asked me to come get you.”

“Skye—“

She put her finger up. “I need some time to process this.”

Her voice wasn’t angry at least. Maybe she wouldn’t hate him. It didn’t matter; he didn’t expect to be in SHIELD much longer. He never cared for SHIELD or Hydra. Garrett was always the most important person in his life. In the last few months, he found enjoyed the team and he got more anxious to get the intel before he got too close to them— too weak.

As if she understood what he was thinking, she added. “I don’t hate you.”

His anxiety lessened from what she said and he felt a little better but he hated the look on her face. He had lost some of her trust.

“Coulson told me that Garrett made you think we would hate you. I’m a little mad—but I don’t hate you. I’m glad you came clean.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“Is this the real you, though?”

He didn’t respond right away. Quite honestly he had been Garrett’s pawn and a spy so long, he didn’t know Grant Ward really was. “I don’t know who the real me is. It was whatever Garrett wanted me to be.”

Skye didn’t respond. She bit her lip slightly. He almost regretted telling Coulson everything. He looked down not sure what to say.

He was surprised when she took his arm gently and escorted him to the monitors to view the cage. He was surprised to see Fitz, Simmons, and May waiting for him. They said nothing but Fitz and Simmons both gave him a comforting smile. He couldn’t smile. He didn’t know what to think or feel. Agent Triplett was sitting off away from them. He had a grim look on his face. One he didn’t lose when he made eye contact with Ward.

Ward could see Garrett on the screen. Dread filled him. This was a mistake. He almost turned and fled but Skye guided him gently to a seat. Then she took one next to him. Simmons sat on the other side and he felt someone behind him and realized it was Fitz. May stood close by as well. At first he thought they were trapping him and his heart rate went up.

He realized they weren’t trapping him.

They were protecting him.

Ward felt awkward. He wasn’t used to other people looking out for him. Never in his life did anyone bat for him except he thought John Garrett. He always thought that no one would be willing to help him. 

He faced forward to see Garrett on the screen and Coulson sitting across from him.

“He’s watching,” May said into her communicator.

“Are you ready to tell me the truth?” Coulson asked.

“The truth is that kid is a liar and maybe even a psychopath.”

Ward tensed up and swallowed his anger. He wasn’t a psychopath. He wasn’t evil; he just did some bad things.

“So are you telling me he lied about everything?”

“Yes, really Phil. Hydra? Captain America destroyed most of Hydra in World War II. Our founder Peggy Carter got rid of the rest. He’s delusional as well and makes up shit. He lies on top of lies.”

“Then why were you trying to kill him?”

“Because I know that controlled he’s useful to SHIELD, uncontrolled, he’s very dangerous. He had to be put down. SHIELD’s done it before. You know that Phil, even with our own agents.”

“So you’re not this clairvoyant?”

Garrett smiled. “No.”

“And you didn’t send Ward to spy on our team.”

“He made it up. I thought that he would be a good fit. He was fine since he started working for me.”

“And you didn’t kidnap him when he was 15 and take him across statelines to brainwash him?”

“Fantastically story! Maybe he can get a new job as an author.”

Coulson had a folder in front of him and he opened it. He pointed to a map with a circle near the center.

“So you didn’t take him to this land you own in Wyoming where there is nothing for hundreds of miles and leave him there alone for five years? You didn’t bribe the head of a juvenile facility to go along with a plan to make it look like you broke him out. Or that your friend ran a military academy and told you about a kid who was a natural sniper and had certain qualities you were looking for. It’s good to have a hacker on board. She even found the former school psychologist who remembered Ward very well except her reports about him, which had been doctored, said the opposite of what she told Skye and May. She remembered him because the report the school gave him a whole list a mental illnesses. Except when she met him, the only thing she saw was evidence of severe abuse.”

“Fine, you got me. I nabbed Ward out of juvie—but it was to strengthen him out. I didn’t brainwash him, I made him stronger.”

Coulson shook his head. “You made him think emotional attachments were a sign of weakness. That’s not strength.”

“Phil, that’s exactly how SHIELD trains us. That’s why most of us are single or divorced. We’re spies Phil, we lie for a living. You know we aren’t supposed to get attached.”

“He was an abused 15 year old,” Coulson said.

“No, he wasn’t. Don’t let his age fool you. He was a liar and manipulator. He probably made that shrink believe he was an innocent victim, but I spoke to his family. They’re good people. Grant Ward is not.”

Ward’s balled his hands up into tight fists. He almost stood up but Skye gripped his arm hard.

“He told us all about Centipede. It’s just a matter of time before we find something that leads it to you. He had no reason to say anything, yet he did. The staff told him truths about you.”

“You’re going to believe an alien devise over me.”

“Yes, I am.”

Garrett looked a little surprised. 

“Phil—I think being dead has done something to you. We’re friends you and I. You know I’m not evil. But that kid, Phil. Don’t let him fool you. Do you know why he was in juvie?” Garrett didn’t wait for him to answer. “He tried to kill his brother—Thomas. I spoke to his parents. They said there was always something wrong with him. He was vicious and mean. They sent him away because they thought he was a psychopath. They signed off when I asked them to give him to me. I thought I straighten him out but clearly I didn’t.”

Ward almost stood up. He placed his hands on the table and slammed them hard against it. Before he could get up, Skye took one of his hands and squeezed it hard. 

He couldn’t believe it. Not just that Garrett was trying to frame him just as Christian had, but that his parents had sold him to Garrett. Garrett had lied to him, about everything. 

“About that fire,” Coulson said. “You destroyed a lot of evidence didn’t you? I mean the Wards wanted to keep that tidbit out of the papers. They didn’t want anyone to know they weren’t one big happy family. They certainly didn’t want to know one of their son’s might be a sociopath.”

“See I told you.”

“I’m not talking about Grant,” Coulson said. “You destroyed the evidence but not the people.

Garrett looked at him curiously.

“Grant was at military school. It was winter break and Christian was home from college. Thomas was worried and called Grant. A next night was when the fire happened. The fire chief at the time labeled it arson. They found Ward in the bushes, a little beat up and battered and thought he caused the fire.”

“He did. I’m telling you, Phil. He admitted it. That kid can manipulated anything.”

“He never told me this, John. He told me he started the fire, but he also told me he felt disoriented the whole night like everything was a dream.”

“I told you, he’s a psycho.”

“Or he had a head injury.”

Garrett looked at him confused. 

“They found him the bushes right below the second floor outside his bedroom. The Ward house was old and had skeleton key locks. The fire report found a stuck door on the second floor. The door wasn’t stuck it was locked. The bedroom belonged to Grant. Someone locked Grant in his bedroom and he jumped out the window to escape the fire. You knew it was possible that Ward didn’t start the fire but you hid it. Christian had bullied and gaslighted his brother so much, Ward didn’t know what was real and what was not. You took advantage of that.”

“So I used to the kid to my advantage, so what. SHIELD sometimes does bad things for the greater--“

“And he also told us how Hydra communicated with each other. Fury and I have been listening in on some very interesting conversations. We’ve been listening for a few days. Still hadn’t figured out the voices, but we will.”

Garrett didn’t respond.

“You’ve lost control, John. Of the situation and of Ward. He’s free from you now. Unlike anyone else in his life, I’m going to make sure he gets the help he needs. I’m just happy enough he saw the light before he did something he regretted.”

“Phil, you’re making a mistake,” Garrett said, but his voice was lower.

“No, you made the mistake. I’m sorry you’re dying, John, I really am. I’m sorry Fury saved me and not you—“

Garrett got a little angry. “He saved you even though you didn’t want it. I had to tape my guts back together to get out. I started centipede because no one gave a damn about me—I was the only one who gave a damn about Ward. You don’t know what his family did to him. How his brother almost killed him because he resisted—“ Garrett paused when he realized he said too much.

Ward looked down at the screen. Skye squeezed his hand again. Simmons took the other.

When Christian first attempted to get him to hurt Thomas, he said no. The abuse he endured started very minor. His things would get destroyed, the kids at school would tease him, out of the blue his friends dropped him. But he resisted.

Until he woke up one night with Christian’s hands around his neck. When he told his mother, she told him to stop being a wimp and boys will be boys. When he told the school counselor, he called his mother and they had a long meeting and nothing happened. Then he knew or at least thought. If he didn’t hurt Thomas, he would be killed. 

“We can make this easy John. Tell us everything about Centipede, about Hydra, we can see we can do to keep you alive or at least make your reminding months comfortable. Die a SHIELD agent, John not a Hydra one.”

Garrett didn’t respond.

The room filled with silence.

“You’re going to die without talking. You’re the man who never shuts up.”

“I think we’re done,” Garrett said, bitterly.

“Have it your way.”


	10. Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late chapter and that it's a bit short. I've been incredibly busy. I'm hoping to post the last two chapters by Thanksgiving.

Skye’s heart was beating hard enough that she could feel it. Coulson came out but Garrett did not follow. She could see on the screen that he was still chained to the table in the cage. Trip who had been sitting in a seat not far from them stood up but didn’t say anything. They had spoken to him for an hour and there was no indication that he worked for Hydra or Garrett had brainwashed him. Trip had gotten quite upset not just because he looked up to Garrett but his partner had died chasing the clairvoyant. 

Ward got up too. He looked tense. For the first time since she’d known him, he looked afraid. 

“Fury let me have first crack at Garrett to see if I can get him to break,” Coulson explained to all of them but his eyes focused on Skye. “But now I have to send him to the Triskelion.”

“Good riddance,” Skye said.

“I’m sorry, Ward, but you have go as well. Director’s orders.”

Skye shook her head. “AC, you can’t—you can’t send him away.”

“It’s not my decision—“

“It’s okay, Skye,” Ward interrupted.

“No—“ she said, teary eyed. She thought of when Coulson first told her what she would be searching for. She didn’t believe it at first. The stoic boy scout couldn’t be an enemy spy. Even when Coulson explained what Garrett had done, Skye had still felt betrayed. It was only when she began uncovering pieces of Ward’s past that she understood how much Garrett had manipulated him. Watching Garrett try to sell Ward out, that mistrust had faded. Ward didn’t need hatred; he needed protection. “It’s not. Garrett took advantage of you. He brainwashed you. You shouldn’t get in trouble for that.”

“It’s okay,” he repeated. “Really. I’m used to it— life not being fair, but now I have something I didn’t have before.”

“What?”

He looked around the room. “People who believe in me.”

She wasn’t convinced. “Coulson, you can’t let this happen. I thought we didn’t leave a man behind.”

“We won’t,” Coulson assured her. “I’m going too. I have Ward’s back. Life isn’t fair but I’m going to make sure that he’s treated fairly from now on. I don’t know how much Hydra is inside us. I need all of you to keep this quiet. Agent Triplett will be our guest for a little while. Fury is sending us to a secret base called Providence. He says to be careful who you trust which is why no information will ever leave this room. Understood?”

No one said anything.

“Ward, I need you to confine yourself to your quarters, it’s just standard policy—actually putting you in the cage is but that’s currently occupied.”

“No, sir,” Simmons said. “He’s not going to his room. He’s going to stay here and we’re going to watch him.”

“You all want to bend the rules?” Coulson asked.

“Absolutely,” Fitz said. He took the taller man’s arm. “Come on, Ward, sit down, let’s play a game until they arrive.”

 

The quinjets didn’t take that long to arrive. There were two of them. One for Garrett and one for Ward and Coulson. 

Ward sat with the others but stood up when Coulson bought Garrett out in chains. 

“You stupid fool,” Garrett said, his voice loud. “You ruined everything.”

Ward almost instinctively took a step back. He didn’t know how to respond. Turned out he didn’t have too. Fitz, Simmons, and Skye stood in front of him. Each of them crossed their arms.

“So you need girls and wimps to protect you now. See how far you’ve fallen from how I trained you.”

He thought he would be scared when he saw Garrett but surprised to find he wasn’t. Instead of fear, he felt anger. When he needed help the most, protection from his abuser, Garrett came along and just became another one. His team standing up for him gave him the courage to speak.

“You’re wrong. These three people are way stronger than you are John,” he said trying his best to keep the nervousness out of his voice. “They have compassion, which guess what? I just found out that it isn’t a weakness.”

“It is, kid. I loved you unconditionally. You hurt your brother, I didn’t judge.”

Ward actually laughed. “That’s not love, that’s control. This—“ he said motioning to Fitz, Simmons, and Skye, “is unconditional love. Your love meant obeying you, never questioning your orders. I probably would have killed for you. But becoming emotionally attached to good people is the reason I haven’t.”

Surprisingly Garrett didn’t reply. Instead he pushed hard against the two guards and made a threating motion to Ward. Ward didn’t move.

Instead Trip rushed up and socked Garrett hard in the jaw. It wasn’t enough to knock the older man down.

“You killed my partner. I trusted you! And you killed him! You almost got me killed. And you took advantage of him,” Trip said motioning to Ward. “You’re a monster!”

Garrett didn’t respond. He looked to Trip, then to Ward in anger. Then he let the guards take him away. 

Coulson and two other guards came over to Ward. Fitz, Simmons, and Skye moved out of the way.

“It’s procedure,” he said, explaining the guards. “Cuffs are also a procedure, but for that one I said fuck it.”

Ward was surprised when Skye embraced him. “Take care of yourself,” she said as she untangled from him. 

He touched the side of her face. He was glad she didn’t hate him. He was glad his team didn’t think he was a monster. 

He was surprised to also get a hug from Simmons and Fitz. May stood nearby and said nothing. She had a blank face and Ward didn’t know what she was thinking. 

“No matter what happens,” Skye said and Ward focused back on her. “Even if they kick you out of SHIELD or send you to prison, we’re your family. We always will be.”

He didn’t reply. Something else filled him. It had been a long time since he had felt joy. 

He followed Coulson out of the bus.


	11. Understanding

For two weeks Skye waited for any word about Ward. May surprised her by not being upset that she continued to ask. 

However the news was the same every day. He was being debriefed, they were trying to get Garrett to talk and she didn’t know if Ward would remain in SHIELD and let alone be returning to his team.

May took them to the Providence base in the Arctic. A base that used to belong to SHIELD’s predecessor the Strategic Scientific Reserve. 

At the base they were greets by agent Eric Koenig who insisted that everyone do a lie detector test in order to get a lanyard. Skye passed hers with flying colors but all her thoughts were on Ward.

Slowly agents that Fury fully trusted began arriving at the base. Skye had found out that there were two other secure bases an underground one called the Playground and a ship called the Iliad.

What should have been an highlight of her life, May showing up with a leather badge congratulating her on reaching level 1 wasn’t without Ward or Coulson to celebrate. Still she smiled and thanked May and got hugs from Fitz, Simmons and Trip. The badge was so she could get intelligence. She was no longer a consultant. Now she was an official full part of the SHIELD.

After the two weeks, Skye got more answers when Coulson arrived in a quinjet. He walked from the landing pad with an agent a few years older her. She was pretty with dark hair and an olive complexion.

But he came without Ward.

“Where is he?” she asked.

“I want to brief you all about Ward’s situation. This is Agent 33. Kara Palamas. She’s a specialist like Ward and works in intelligence.”

“Good to meet you,” She was worried about Ward but not enough to forgot her manners. 

“This is Agent Skye.”

“First name or last?” the pretty agent asked.

“Neither.” Kara smiled. 

“May said she set me up an office, can you gather everyone and meet me there in 15 minutes. I’m going to escort Agent 33 to Koenig.”

She nodded.

“And Skye?”

“Yes.”

“Congratulations.” 

She took it but it felt meaningless without her SO. 

 

“Fury and Hill promise that they have his back. They think he might be the key to getting Garrett to talk.”

“Are you sure that’s safe?” Skye asked. “Garrett did a number on him.” She almost shivered at the thought of Ward being alone with his abuser. 

“He’ll be okay. He wants to do it. This Hydra infiltration is much deeper and higher than we thought. Hill and Fury know everything about what Garrett did to him. They’ll pull him out if it seems to much.”

“Still—“ Fitz said. “What can we do to help him?”

“It’s out of our hands now. Fury knows that Garrett brainwashed Ward; he knows that Ward volunteered to confess and that when Fury debriefed him Ward held nothing back. Fury promised me that Ward will face no jail time. I don’t know if he’ll stay in SHIELD, but no prison. And if they kick him out of SHIELD, I have ways to help him and maybe we can use him as a consultant. I promise I will not abandoned him.”

“He’s doing the right thing,” May said, her voice calm. “Skye—Ward’s stronger than you think.”

She didn’t respond. She didn’t think Ward was weak, she thought he was vulnerable. It seemed that Garrett had taken all of Ward’s vulnerabilities and used it against him.

“He’s not weak,” Simmons said.

“I didn’t say that,” May said, her voice was stern. “I don’t think Ward knows his own strength inside. It took a lot for him to betray Garrett.”

 

This was his last chance. Garrett’s condition had deteriorated rapidly. He finally realized that he wasn’t going to talk his way out and accepted his mortality. 

The first time Ward came to see him, Garrett had cursed and screamed at him calling him worthless and weak. It had hurt a lot. Even though the last few weeks, Ward had worked hard to break from Garrett’s control, you couldn’t erase 15 years of it after a few sessions with a therapist. It helped that Hill understood. She wasn’t angry and judgmental that he had been a Hydra agent. 

“Come to see me off?” Garrett said. He was lying on the bed with an oxygen cannula looking vulnerable for the first time since Ward met him. “Or are you trying to get me to talk.”

“John, please tell them what you know about Hydra. I’ve told them everything and it’s like a burden’s been lifted.”

“There isn’t much to tell.”

“So tell them. I’ve been talking to a therapist—“

“Great—and what did shrinky-dink tell you?”

“He thinks that Hydra has been molding SHIELD’s policy. Made them do horrible things like not saving their agents. John, Hydra is the reason you got left behind. Hydra victimized SHIELD agents to recruit them. They victimized you.”

“I knew I shouldn’t have put you in. I should have done the deed myself.”

Ward wanted to hate Garrett. Hate him for brainwashing him; hate him for making him a killer. He had killed for SHIELD and even though they were bad people, he was able to take the shot without regret. He knew he would have killed for Garrett, for Hydra. But now he wouldn’t. Not anymore. And he wasn’t planning on doing it for SHIELD either. Even if they did decide to allow him to stay. He made it very clear to both Hill and Fury. He was loyal to his team, but not to SHIELD. 

“John, you can’t talk your way out of this one. Don’t do Hydra any favors.”

“When Hydra approached me, I asked them if any of these SHIELD agents who abandoned me were Hydra operatives. None of them were. They didn’t need Hydra to make them do the wrong thing, they just decided to follow the rules no questions asked.”

“You mean like me?”

Garrett didn’t reply. 

“I would have killed for you John, that’s how misguided I was. SHIELD isn’t the best organization but you can’t blame them for Hydra’s orders. Hydra made SHIELD into their own personal weapon, just like you did to me. I’m not your personal weapon anymore.”

“So you’re going to be SHIELD’s? Are you let you stay if I confess?”

“I told them everything I know. For that I don’t go to prison. The only reason I want to stay in SHIELD is to be with my team. They’ve shown me more kindness than you ever did.”

“Kid, I did you a favor. When I found you, you were nothing.”

“Listen to yourself. Yes, I was nothing. My family left me hollow. I needed help, counseling, therapy, someone to love and believe me. You abandoned me in the woods to fend for myself. You told me it was my fault for not bringing supplies when you never told me what you were doing.” He didn’t want to get upset. Not in front of him. 

“I made you strong.”

“You made me physically strong but not mentally. Now I can beat up my bullies, but do you know what? I still hate myself. Still hate what Christian made me do.”

Garrett didn’t reply.

“Were they really not looking for me?”

Garrett looked at him confused. “What?”

“My family. Did they really not care what happen to me? Were you telling the truth that they sold me to you?”

“The truth is much worse. Your parents weren’t looking for you because they gave me 10 grand to strengthen you out.”

“What?” Ward said, his gut fell.

“They weren’t going to petition the court to try you as an adult. They wanted to bury you as far as they could. I was a god-sent to them. The only person in those five years to ever ask about you was your grandma. I wrote her a lovely letter letting her know you were fine and signed your name. So Grant, there was no salvation for you except for me.”

“You haven’t learned, have you? You really think you did me a favor.”

“You would have been a monster no matter what.”

“No, I wouldn’t. What delusion did you tell yourself when you try to drown me? Because I was ready to accept what I had done. That was a threat to you, wasn’t it? If I accepted what Christian made me do, I would have come to terms with how my family treated me.”

Garrett didn’t reply. Ward felt angry over his former mentors lack of remorse. 

“Kid, you really wanted to go back? How much of what your brother did to you, do you remember? I taught you how to create compartments to bury what happen. But I did remember one story you told me. Waking up with his hands around your throat, but that wasn’t worse part, was it?”

This time Ward didn’t respond.

“You told your mother and what did she do?”

“She laughed at me and called me a wimp.”

“So maybe kid, I turned you into a more focused killer. Putting all that anger into targets.”

“No—because I’m remembering other things too. My parents and my older brother were monsters. My sister ran away to college as soon as she could, but until Christian decided he would tortured me so I would hurt Thomas, I was a good kid and I loved Thomas. Why do you think it upsets me so much? I’m not who Christian and you made. Not anymore.”

“It’s always going to be there, kid.”

“And I’ll always fight it.”

Garrett didn’t say anything for a moment. 

“Go get Hill. I’ll confess for one condition.”

“What?”

“Try not to hate me so much. I really thought I was helping you.”

Ward didn’t respond. This easy could be a manipulation and Ward owed Garrett nothing, but he decided that the best thing to do was play along if it would get Garrett to confess. 

“I don’t hate you.”

“Really kid?”

“Yes. Only because my team showed me something more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter just summing things up. I'll try to post it this weekend. 
> 
> I've been glancing over the synopsis of recent episodes and I still have no desire to watch. I did watch Devils you Know and got really disgusted when Skye mentioned Gitmo. So now she has a problem with people being locked up without rights.
> 
> I've really been getting into the Flash lately. They do anti-heroes right and even question keeping people in lock up without their rights.


	12. My Shoulder's Free

Every time Skye asked Coulson about Ward, he told her that he was fine but didn’t have anything new to tell her. 

To make matters worse, two weeks before, Coulson gathered the team and Trip to let them know that John Garrett had died. Skye felt relief that Ward’s abuser was gone. However Coulson didn’t have anything new about Ward except that he would be at the Triskelion at little bit longer and he didn’t know yet what would happen after. 

Skye became the welcome wagon for new SHIELD agents as they came to Providence and hoping that Ward would be one of them. She was surprised how few came. Fury didn’t trust a lot of people. 

Fury had informed Coulson that he was collecting evidence and to bring down Hydra. Once Hydra was cleaned out, SHIELD would reevaluate some of the polices. The biggest issue would be the lengthy background checks to make sure people like John Garrett didn’t get through the system and kids like Ward would be protected. 

Eric Koenig put every SHIELD agent into rigorous lie detector. Ward had given them info to check fingers for nails as it would give false positive readings to the machine so a lie might not be detected as easily. Thankfully only one agent turned out to be Hydra and had been placed in the brig. 

There was talk that Fury was getting close and less quinjets were showing up. 

Skye feared Ward would never come back that Fury would use him for all he was worth and toss him away.

Until she saw him come off the Quinjet chatting with a tall blond woman.

Skye didn’t care she was a SHIELD agent and public displays of affection were kind of frown on, she embraced her SO tightly. The best part was he hugged her back with only very minor resistance.

“What a welcome,” the blond woman said.

Ward pulled back. “Skye, this is agent Barbara Morse.”

“Good to meet you.”

“Please call me Bobbie.”

“Agent Morse is most likely going to be your new SO, either her or May.”

Skye looked confused. “You’re not in SHIELD anymore?”

“I’m still in SHIELD,” he explained. “They reduced my level to three. And they told me not quite directly that’s where my rank will be for good. I’m not a specialist either. I won’t kill anymore except in self-defense. I’m just a field agent like you, nothing special.”

“Don’t believe that.”

“Yes,” Morse said. “Your intel is going to help take down Hydra.”

“My intel is going to take down Hydra a little bit earlier,” he explained.

“What?” Skye questioned.

“Fury already knew,” Ward explained. “He’s known for a year or so. He’s been trying to gather intel and set things in motion but he needed to know how deep Hydra was. I’m not the only agent to give him intel—“

“But he said,” Morse interrupted. “Agent Ward was one of the few agents who volunteered the info.”

 

“Don’t be nervous,” Even though Eric Koenig was short and a stocky, he looked stern enough look to show he wasn’t a creampuff.

“I’m not,” Ward replied. “I just don’t know why this is necessary. I already confessed to be being a Hydra spy and told Fury everything.”

“It’s a formality. You can’t get a lanyard and access to the base until you are questioned.” Ward didn’t really want to be questioned again. He had to deal with hours of it before and it was tired, but still he didn’t complain.

“Name?”

“Grant Douglas Ward.”

“Name your immediate family.”

“I have a two brothers and a sister. I don’t speak to them.”

Koenig looked at the screen. “It says your lying even though your dossier says it’s true.”

Ward paused. He knew the real truth but saying it made it real. “My immediately family is my team.”

“That is true.” He only cared about one family member and Christian had destroyed that relationship. 

“SHIELD level?”

“Three.”

“Are you loyal to Hydra?”

“No.”

“Are you loyal to SHIELD?” 

Ward paused for moment. How much loyalty could he have to an organization that allowed Hydra to hide in it for 70 years and who completely missed John Garrett kidnapping and brainwashing a teenage boy? 

“Please answer the question?”

“Not really.” His answer didn’t seem to faze Koenig.

“Why are you here then?”

“I’m loyal to my team.”

“Even though you’re not loyal to SHIELD, will you follow their orders?”

“Depends on the order. I’m not going to kill anyone nor am I going to leave an agent behind.”

“Are you loyal to John Garrett?”

“I hope not—“ Ward paused. “Is that true?”

Koenig nodded. Ward felt relived. The therapist had told him that even though Garrett was dead, the effects of the brainwashing might be long lasting. A therapist would eventually come to Providence but in the meantime Ward was supposed to be able to call the one at the Triskelion day or night if he had any problems. 

“Are you a Hydra agent?”

“No.”

“Were you a hydra agent?”

“Yes.”

“Why were you a hydra agent?”

“To save John Garrett’s life.”

“Not completely true,” Koenig said. “Why were you a Hydra agent?”

Ward hesitated for a moment. “Because I thought they would make me strong.”

“That’s the truth. Have you told Director Fury everything you know about Hydra?”

“Yes.”

“Were you brainwashed by John Garrett?”

“I don’t know.”

“That’s true, but can you elaborate?”

“I’ll never know for sure.”

When he came out with his lanyard, he was surprised to find his entire team there. He felt a little awkward and embarrassed but underneath he felt relieve to finally have people who believed in him. 

He got two big hugs from Fitz and Simmons and a firm handshake from Coulson. 

He knew May wasn’t happy. He could see it in her face. Did she think he was weak for resisting Garrett? 

He was surprised when when she spoke. “I want you to join me for Tai-chi every morning. It helps with trauma.”

“Thank you,” he said and he meant it. He was sure of all of them May would have to most trouble with him being a former Hydra agent. 

May looked uncomfortable. He knew how hard this must be for her. “Garrett was a monster,” she finally said. “I’m glad he didn’t make you a monster too.”

“I’m a level four,” Fitz joked, to break the tension. “So I better hear some sirs from you.”

Ward smiled. “Yes, sir. And no sir, I’m not going to let you win at poker.”

Skye took Ward’s elbow “I need to borrow him for a little while.”

No one protested as she led Ward down the corridor into a room that if it didn’t have computer equipment would look like a den or living room. There was a roaring fire going and the rom felt warm.

Skye sat on the couch. She touched her shoulder.

“You owe me.”

Ward was a little uncomfortable, but there were no more barriers. There was no more mission. He knew it would still take time before he was truly comfortable with his team—with people who cared about him. For almost his entire life, no one cared about him, except it seemed John Garrett. 

Ward sat next to her. He didn’t put his head on her shoulder. 

“So spill. I’m here for you without judgment.”

“I’ve only loved one person in my life,” he started. “My little brother Thomas…”

 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the kudos on this story! I have been reading the synopsis of the episodes, watched Episode 4-5 and I still have no desire to continue watching. I'm a little hopeful for Episode 9-10 but not holding my breath. I think what happens to Ward in these episodes will make decide to really give up the show once and for all.


End file.
